Is Panic Disorder a Blood Type

Pulsating lumps in my throat...
Paralyzing my every move.
It's hard to swallow,
Harder to breathe
Leaving me helpless,
hopeless and distraught.
Tear ducts leak, fear builds, loneliness overwhelms me.

Abandoned

You came into my life,
like a whirlwind.
You loved me fast and ferocious.
Taking no time, drowning every real chance, we could have ever had.
Never giving me the opportunity to truly fall in love with you.
I could have, I wanted  to, I loved everything about you, short of the title waves of emotions.
I miss you. I think of you every day, often.

She Is Me

She is sad
She is hurt
She is dying
She is alone
She is lonely
She is a mess
She is judged
She is ignored
She is suicidal
She is stressed
She is confused
She is depressed
She is misunderstood
She is tired but still living
She is hurt but won't show it
She is screaming but is silent
She is in pain but still smiling
She is ME.....

Fool Inside Her

Such a fool
Setup by herself
Knowing in advance
She didn't stand a chance.

Day after day
Hope is all she had
Knowing deep inside
Even that hope was bad.

When will she put
An end to her pain
By facing the truths
She has nothing to gain.

Her lonely heart
And desperate soul
Blinded her sight
From the truth she was told.

Her inner self
Told her
Over and over again
With this man
You will never win.

She tells herself
After every
Broken promise
Next time he calls
She will not answer.

Somehow the sounds
Of his ring tone triggers
The fool inside her
Who doesn't stand a chance.

I don't want to live anymore

I don't want to live anymore
What should I do...
I can't get over the pain
Of losing you!

I don't want to live anymore
What should I do??????

I
Can't
Get
Over
The
Pain
Of
Losing
YOU

Suspended

Dangling in life
As though I'm suspended in space
Lost and alone
No way to get out of this place

I don't remember depression
Feeling so sad....
This has to be
The worse case I have
Ever had

Suspended - it feels like the end
Suspended - the final win
Suspended - the hurt is so real
Suspended - I just can't deal...

Final Chapter

On the die I day a lot will happen.

A lot will change.

The world will be busy.

On the day I die, all the important appointments I made will be left unattended.

The many plans I had yet to complete will remain forever undone.

The calendar that ruled so many of my days will now be irrelevant to me.

All the material things I so chased and guarded and treasured will be left in the hands of others to care for or to discard.

The words of my critics which so burdened me will cease to sting or capture anymore.

They will be unable to touch me.

The arguments I believed I’d won here will not serve me or bring me any satisfaction or solace.  

All my noisy incoming notifications and texts and calls will go unanswered.
Their great urgency will be quieted.

My many nagging regrets will all be resigned to the past, where they should have always been anyway.

Every superficial worry about my body that I ever labored over; about my waistline or hairline or frown lines or scars will fade away.

My carefully crafted image, the one I worked so hard to shape for others here, will be left to them to complete anyway.

The sterling reputation I once struggled so greatly to maintain will be of little concern for me anymore.

All the small and large anxieties that stole sleep from me each night will be rendered powerless.

The deep and towering mysteries about life and death that so consumed my mind will finally be clarified in a way that they could never be before while I lived.

These things will certainly all be true on the day that I die.

Yet for as much as will happen on that day, one more thing that will happen.....

On the day I die, the few people who really know and truly love me will grieve deeply.

They will feel a void.

They will feel cheated.

They will not feel ready.

They will feel as though a part of them has died as well.

And on that day, more than anything in the world
they will want more time with me.

I know this from those I love and grieve over.

And so knowing this, while I am still alive I’ll try to remember that my time with them is finite and fleeting and so very precious—

and I’ll do my best not to waste a second of it.

I’ll try not to squander a priceless moment worrying about all the other things that will happen on the day I die, because many of those things are either not my concern or beyond my control.

Friends, those other things have an insidious way of keeping you from living even as you live;
vying for your attention, competing for your affections.

They rob you of the joy of this unrepeatable, uncontainable, ever-evaporating NOw with those who love you and want only to share it with you.

Don’t miss the chance to dance with them while you can.

It’s easy to waste so much daylight in the days before you die.

Don’t let your life be stolen every day by all that you believe matters, because on the day you die, much of it simply won’t.

Yes, you and I will die one day. But before that day comes: let us live, lets dance!

First Lie

The first lie
               
                depression told me...

Is that I don't have

                  depression

Cold Wall Trap

hospital stench,

non-stop sliding of doors, swift cold air,

walkers screeching, infants screaming,

endless heart palpitations, intestinal burn,

disbelief ringing in my ears as my heart overflows with fear.

family and strangers all around, yet i sit in an acute sense of loneliness and isolation.

the overwhelming laughter and chatter intensifies

as though the pain within me does not matter.

these cold walls with the ability to trap a soul forever....... have me entrapped, betraying my weaknesses.

thoughts and feelings pass through the silences of the mind deep inside this cold wall trap.

Faint Hope Faint Hope

Wide open highway

Is this soul of mine

Pot holes of pain

Patched with faint hope

Race Car like heart beats

Pounding harder each lap

Blurred visions of truth

I can never adapt

Wide open highway

the truth is

                                                                                                  

 

 

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” ― Steve Maraboli

 

 

is the truth

                           easy

 

or is the truth

                             a liar

 

the truth is

                           the truth

                       

 fear is the liar

 

               fear of the truth

                    

                           is crippling

                   

Jesus said in Johns 8:32 "and you will know the truth and the truth will set you free"

 

 

     the truth is...

 

                         someday

 

i will be free

 

 

 

 

 

 



in search of

my "self"

 

numbness - entrapped - loneliness - aloneness - complex

simple - deterioration - slipping - juggling - outgrown - balanced

unbalanced - sadness - regretted - amazement - depression - happy

considerate - unforgettable - kind - caring - understanding - compassionate

scared - scarred - drained - done - dead - hidden - honest - dedicated - lost - hurt

whisper - shout - scream - cry - joy - pride - shame - unique - spiritual - spiritless - insecure

secure - strong - weak - growing - stagnant - puzzled - grieving - isolated - outgoing

 

where am I?

 

somewhere between content and discontent; happy and sad; whispering and screaming

lost and found

 

 

 

hidden

physical pain
              the easy part
                            hidden with a smile

emotionally:                         i'm done.
mentally:                          i'm drained.
spiritually:                            i'm dead.

              just the way you left me
                        beaten, bloody, fearful

emotionally - done
        mentally - drained
                     spiritually - dead
                              physically - hidden




                     

even if i could

masked, sterile, cold, fear, pain - intense pain - smell of alcohol, tubes, bandages, oxygen, tents, blurs and more blurs descriptive of my memory - that's what I thought….

what do I remember? anything - nothing? both - could it be both? long time ago - I was young --- too young to understand those descriptions but not too young to feel pain intense pain….

why did everyone have the mask on their face? why were they all hovering over me looking down - watching me… why were there so many of them- they were all so big- giants – yelp they were giants… they were all wearing green… ugly green…. - it's ugly to me or it was then.. surgical green - that's it… surgical, clinical, medical, hospital, physician green….. UGLY PAINFUL GREEN…

accidents happen fast, they do not discriminate, they have no limits, no boundaries - any age goes - no race no religion discrimination
NO BOUNDARIES…………….

chilly,windy, fall was in the air – sky was blue, leaves were bright……

a helper… yelp a helper – i've always been a helper or at least I thought I was….

a climber- I was a climber loved to climb.... climbed that chilly, windy, fall, blue sky day… climb up to the sink and kick started that gas stove…..
18 months old into everything- a helper - a climber

the door opened, the wind blew in, the flames grew and grew……

it was the first day of the rest of my life……

call it a struggle, a fight, an accident
it WAS and IS …….
– God's Will….

i was and am the chosen one…. i was chosen for this journey –

49 years later - I understand - I am the chosen one for this journey

I wouldn't change it- even if I could.

In honor of my wonderful loving parents ~ Billy and Pauline Dill

“life may be Greener on the other side of pain”

racing – is the feeling I feel in from the chest to the throat to the finger tips…. rapidness… racing rapidness… there was a time in the not so distant past that I would label this as a panic attack… this label is easier for me to talk about – for me to "fix"…. easier than attempting to label and address this rapid racing of heart beat and pulse…. I feel as though my chest could implode. Would I care less for others in order not to feel this near implosion? NO….. it's not in my DNA… I am a compassionate woman, person, mother, friend, human being. It is who I am…

it was clear I drifted deep to sleep – too deep… there were 5 missed calls from her… between 3:00 am and 4:30 am…. this rapid racing took over the controls and was driving me to whirlwind when I couldn't get her to answer…. what had happened that she needed me so desperately while I drifted – was she safe? Was SHE SAFE??? I need to know… but I can't find out..anything… no one is awake but me in my world right now… how could I drift so deep and so far that when my child needed me I wasn't there… the rapid racing got stronger and stronger as it does now…. that's when I read….. "RIP Terry" I love you – it was everywhere… and everywhere it was - had a common connection to me… they were all friends of hers - theirs …. But she… was sleeping and had not contacted me yet… only one daughter must know about Terry… and Terry who - I panicked…. I began texting and calling them both… with no success… an hour went by and her sister answered…. What's wrong mom? I asked… do you know – a Terry that could have passed away last night…… as she hesitated – she was reading multiple text messages that were stored on her cell…. As she began sobbing and saying no mom, no…. not Terry – this makes no sense… no sense mom – none… No MOM… NO… Her breathing became much labored- her voice began to crack… she was falling apart- a little with each breath… I have to call Elaina - MOM… I will call you back….

time seemed to stand still….

there was a faint sound of pain on the other end of the line… MOM… he – he- Terry – Mom – Terry killed himself last night… MOM – NOOOOOOOOoooooooo…. Mom – this makes no sense, mom it makes no sense… MOM- NO!!! - she screamed and I began to cry with her and tell her how very much I loved her…. It's a lot for anyone to wrap their mind around…. As time stood still yet the clock was moving, her sister woke and her breathing was labored – the same… the same labored breathing, voice cracking pain…. as the pain gushed from her soul like blood from a fresh lesion. Mom- I was so alone when I was told Terry ended this painful life he has been living – I tried and tried to get you but I couldn't get you - mom… I don't understand - mom… I just don't understand… I was his friend…he could have talked to me… he could have talked to me mom.. I would have helped him - mom….. MOM…. I AM SO DAMN ANGRY!! Oh MY GOD MOM….. OMG!

This was a day no one can or would attempt to prepare for… a day you may have to help your children through the suicide of a friend.. the unthinkable….

Terry was a young boy when his mother was murdered….he was a sweet boy that we watched mental cancer slowly take over his soul….

Life went on… his dad went to prison… school days passed us by, graduation, life… life went on… we didn't stop loving Terry, we didn't stop caring about Terry…. Life went on…. While busy with college, work, and everyday life we don't always reach out to those we seem to love and care about… I don't think I would label it as taking for them granted… so much as…. Just going and growing in different directions…. Thinking and feeling the roots planted way back then were still intact….

Terry's mental cancer took his life.. his pain became more than he could bare… only God knows what was in his heart and mind… God is protecting him now… I said to them as I held them close to my heart… Confused with many mixed emotions they listened and you could see them trying to wrap their minds around it all…

anger was widespread … and that's when i realized….

It was 1982 - I think…when I got that phone call…. the call that none of us can or would attempt to prepare for…. The call that gives you labored breathing and rapidness in the throat and chest…. He was on the phone with a girl…. and BOOM…. the gun went off and he was dead they were saying these things to me as I felt I was in a tunnel underground… the sound was muffled… my ears were ringing and my eyes were stinging…. I didn't have anyone to talk too – that had dealt with this before…. Anger consumed me… I refused to show him respect… he didn't show me any… he didn't care how much this was going to hurt me…. he was selfish and I was angry… the funeral came and went… as I sat at home selfishly filled with anger …. Life went on… day after day… anger was my source of energy that got me through his untimely death….

Until……. that very call came in again…. This time it was another friend…. Keith – Keith Lovelace had killed himself… It was different… my breathing wasn't labored, my voice didn't crack, my chest didn't race… my ears weren't ringing, my eyes weren't stinging… It was clear…very clear to me that day…. How wrong I was- how selfish I had been… it was clear to me that day…. This was an illness…. It was an illness that killed my friends – not a selfish act… time went on.. the clock was ticking but my life stood still… how could I have disrespected the death of my sick friend…. How could I have been so selfish to think he did this to me? what was I going to do with all that I had inside me …where was I going to channel these feelings…. HOW, WHY and
IF became my vocabulary for a long time…. I beat myself up…. I spend many hours by his grave talking to him about my selfish act. He forgave me, God forgave me and eventually I forgave myself….

finally it is all clear…. for all I have been through in this journey we call life- has given me the experience I need as a mother to nurture my girls through this devastating time in their lives…. I sat them down and shared my story of how anger took control of my life… and what it took to open my eyes to how wrong I was in allowing this to happen… I shared with them how I lost two friends to suicide before I allowed my heart to wrap around the pain that some feel is unthinkable, unbearable and only known and understood by our Savior Jesus Christ. It took me losing both friends to understand that sometimes "life may be Greener on the other side of pain "– for my dear friend "Mike Greene" and living with that thought in heart helped me in the acceptance of Mike's death….

Let go of your anger - love, grief and be compassionate and give your questions to God… he will answer them one day…. I said to my girls...

This day… I understood why I walked through the valley of anger and loss and unthinkable guilt… Because this day… all I've experienced helped my girls through this unthinkable death of Terry ……they realize….

-life may be "Greener" on the other side of pain for some.

In loving memory of :

Mike Greene; Keith Lovelace; Terry Garner

the untimely death of a nephew

On one hand it seems like forever ago…while on the other – it's just like yesterday – the marriage was over – I just couldn't say it out loud… he slept in one end of the house, me in the other-

The headlights were so bright, the knock on the door was deafening… I stumbled to the door, peeked through the peek hole and there he was shaking in shock. I raced to open the door just in time to catch him… as he stood falling… Daddy, Daddy, Daddy - what's wrong???

I saw a figure in the darkness walking our way- it was a dream, a bad bad dream – or was it Real ? it was real ….

My brother-in-law walked closer and closer, my vision became blurred and my ears were ringing – it was a mistake – it had to be a mistake… Just help daddy breathe and we will soon learn – this was all a big mistake….

As we slid up the steps to brace ourselves on the warmth of the deck – he was pulling it together… getting stronger… he mumbled those deafening words to me- I can still hear them today… those three little words that changed all of our lives forever…. Ricky IS DEAD….

NO No NOoooooooooo NO I screamed… this IS a mistake… we will all go to see her and when we get there it will all be ok…… he was too young to die, I just talked to him on the phone, he just graduated high school, he wasn't married yet, he is so full of life…. This cannot be true.. C A N N O T BE T R U E.

The sun came up and a new day was born or was it?

a long ride to Whiteville that morning..the first ride I can remember where my parents, my sister and I were together in a car… it was a ride I wish we weren't taking… it was a three and a half hour ride forward while our minds and hearts paddled backwards…

there were cars everywhere, people standing everywhere, teenagers and more teenagers everywhere… WHY did they have so much company??? Why did they have a white flower on their door?

And then I saw her… my eyes connected to hers…. But she wasn't there… she was not there… there was no reflection of a soul in her eyes… just darkness- deep darkness…

she is MY SISTER and I can't do ANYTHING to help her – N O T H I N G!!! I was useless… absolutely useless…

there was food everywhere, people everywhere, laughter, whispers, tears, screams, fear, anger and there was God… God was there… I was mad at God… Sometimes.. I am still mad at God… as I write this I feel anger at God building…..

that sound… that sound that I will never forget- the sound of a mother's soul being amputated right in front of you as you stand uselessly in the way… I thought if I stood still and didn't move she wouldn't see him… she was behind me and if I could just stonewall myself- she will not see him… that scream of pain was ringing into the marrow of my bones, I turn to try to help as she laid fetus position on the floor… daddy right there with her…. This was REAL….

His face was swollen, his neck broken, he was hurt… hurt bad… REAL BAD…. It was real… Ricky was dead….. but… he was only 19…. It was real…. Death does not discriminate…

The girls didn't understand the magnitude of death – they were too young…. He had said to me after daddy left that night- "go back to bed – he is dead- he is gone- there is nothing you can do about it- go back to bed"… visions of the nightmares which had unfolded rolled like a reel to reel movie in my mind all the way home… I knew it was time to say it out loud… the marriage IS over….

In loving memory of:

Richard (Ricky) Donald Bowen

~ deeper undercurrent of thought

true pain

She has a hollow look about her…. an American Beauty drowning emptiness – her soul has been amputated – she has no purpose- she can't find her way – lost on a highway of grief. An amazing woman, a kind soul, a beautiful spirit that cannot be freed as it has been jailed by true pain. She's my friend and I love her, how can I help her? What do I do? Listening doesn't seem to be enough, it's not enough for me, is this because no matter how much I listen, she is still drowning in her emptiness? She calls me a true angel of mercy? I'm not. I am a compassionate friend. That's it.. nothing more, nothing less. I love her, she amazes me.. such kindness, such beauty, such talent all buried beneath true pain. My heart hurts for her every waking moment. I wish I could open her chest to rub her heart to put her pieces back together again. I can't .. it's impossible – she will be forever broken…. It is painful, it is sad; it makes me ache from the inside out.

He was 16. Her life, her reason for being, her baby boy, her Matt, her lifeline, her only child. Smart and unconditionally loved, handsome with a bright future. What happened? What HAPPENED? He took his own life, he could not have known he was taking her life, he would have never done this, had he known - he was taking her life. Leaving behind this amazing mother, woman, wife, friend to live forever jailed by true pain. She understands he was sick - masked beyond recognition, no clues, there still is no clues, 9 years later – no signs that can be thought of or remembered. He was popular, handsome, excellent grades – no girlfriend problems, nothing – no failing grades – nothing….. There had to be something- he took his life – leaving her to ask, how could I have been a good mother and not known my son was in true pain?

I listen, I cry, I love, I care, I pray but nothing I do releases her jailed spirit. It hurts and it's frustrating – is there more I could be doing? Is being a compassionate friend enough? I try to get her out, she doesn't want to get out, she doesn't want to get dressed most days, she is pushed by him – her husband. Who must be in true pain too – but stays strong for her. Does she share with him the thoughts she shares with me? I question because she only shares with me when he isn't near. Does he know how broken she truly is? He must – he was his life, his baby boy, his only child – but was he his lifeline? It doesn't appear so… from the outside – none of us know what's going on in others from looking in from the outside.

I feel honored she takes her mask off with me and shares her true pain. I feel such an urgency to make her smile, to make her laugh, to repair her broken spirit. Is what I am doing enough? What more could I do? I listen, I cry, I love, I care and I pray….. what more can I do?

Suicide is a result of true pain - an illness…. it's malignant – it spreads true pain to the ones left behind and it eats them away slowly day after day after day leaving a hollow look that only someone who has been jailed by its symptoms can understand.

~ deeper undercurrent of thought