Cold Wall Trap

hospital stench,

non-stop sliding of doors, swift cold air,

walkers screeching, infants screaming,

endless heart palpitations, intestinal burn,

disbelief ringing in my ears as my heart overflows with fear.

family and strangers all around, yet i sit in an acute sense of loneliness and isolation.

the overwhelming laughter and chatter intensifies

as though the pain within me does not matter.

these cold walls with the ability to trap a soul forever....... have me entrapped, betraying my weaknesses.

thoughts and feelings pass through the silences of the mind deep inside this cold wall trap.

the truth is

                                                                                                  

 

 

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” ― Steve Maraboli

 

 

is the truth

                           easy

 

or is the truth

                             a liar

 

the truth is

                           the truth

                       

 fear is the liar

 

               fear of the truth

                    

                           is crippling

                   

Jesus said in Johns 8:32 "and you will know the truth and the truth will set you free"

 

 

     the truth is...

 

                         someday

 

i will be free

 

 

 

 

 

 



in search of

my "self"

 

numbness - entrapped - loneliness - aloneness - complex

simple - deterioration - slipping - juggling - outgrown - balanced

unbalanced - sadness - regretted - amazement - depression - happy

considerate - unforgettable - kind - caring - understanding - compassionate

scared - scarred - drained - done - dead - hidden - honest - dedicated - lost - hurt

whisper - shout - scream - cry - joy - pride - shame - unique - spiritual - spiritless - insecure

secure - strong - weak - growing - stagnant - puzzled - grieving - isolated - outgoing

 

where am I?

 

somewhere between content and discontent; happy and sad; whispering and screaming

lost and found

 

 

 

my “self”

Its been a long time since I've blogged my thoughts… the reasoning behind that is for almost a year now I haven't allowed myself to feel my feelings. I have ignored them and continued to run on passion for others opposed to considering what I may be doing to: my "self"

It wasn't until 3 weeks ago when we lost my 8 year old nephew, Blake in a boating accident, that I realized the injustice I was serving not only to my "self" but to those who love me and who are most important to me. Today I have decided to feel again… I will therefore be blogging again from time to time.

So much has changed about me in the past 2 years that I do not even recognize my "self"… I can't help but question if this is something that is a result of time or hormones or both perhaps? I suddenly feel the need to recognize my "self" again and to move forward from this stagnant place I have been these past 2 years. With the marriage of my daughter quickly approaching and the deterioration of my family around me; along with some new friends God has blessed me with - I realize - today…. is all I have - I better make the best of it… I must dig deeper into my "self" in search of motivation and "self" worthiness;

today I begin digging deeper in search of my "self"

of the bible bearing her name...

small, kind -very kind... kindest, caring, giving, loving, dedicated, honest, jewel, non-judgemental, happy, precious, christian, understanding, considerate, unforgettable



a book of the bible bearing her name...



Ruth



Ruth Parker



my Aunt Ruth... she will always be my Aunt Ruth... the most beautiful person I have ever had the honor of knowing, loving and missing.

jeans and recliner

7:09 am sprung forward this morning – positive sides all around – sleepless night- still in my jeans and recliner – eyes wide open – heart racing….

young, scarred, clinging to life, not wanting too, was the man who became my uncle many years ago- masked, sterile, cold, fear, pain - intense pain - smell of alcohol, tubes, bandages, oxygen, tents, weren't the only descriptive of my memory… love, much love, hope, joy, happiness had their place.

it was a house fire that took his wife's life and left him clinging to life and badly burned with no will to live-

the screams were loud enough for the heavens to hear when she saw what was left of her baby after the fire- the screams moved him from within- he found hope- he began to heal- as the seconds turned to minutes and the minutes to hours and hours to days, days to weeks, weeks to months, months to years – he was there- involved in both his and my recovery-

we helped each other heal- she came to visit and to help her sister with the life we found ourselves living- she was young, kind, caring and single-

they fell in love and married…

two beautiful children were born from that marriage- a son and a daughter- many things were altered over the years-

he will always be my uncle charlie and I will always be his buddin'-

he is not married to my mom's sister anymore- and it was very wrong what he did… very wrong- people who live with disfigurements from a trauma related accident are prone to different behavior- it's my job to love and not judge-

i love him- he pushed the wheels off those wheels chairs when i wanted to go buddin'… nothing will take that away-

46 years later- life is good, the son has a son (yelp- uncle charlie has a grandson) – he is 17 – full of life, best friends with his dad, chuck – excelling in life, school, sports- what a young man he has become- the phone rang, she was very rattled- WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE CANNOT TALK?

the brain will not wrap around what she is saying- how do you suddenly lose the ability to speak? is that possibly and if so how, why???? "A L S" – rang in my ears as though my head were inside the liberty bell as it was struck. Lou Gehrig's Disease – WHAT????

the ringing began to subside around midnight thirty last night – overwhelmed is the only word one could put on this- in processing all that the mind is holding the last 7 hours- OVERWHELMED is my label.

i've lost friends and family near and dear- death is a part of life- God has blessed me to date- from all the great loss in this life- i've never watched anyone suffer- God has been merciful in taking them fast-

Her life was altered for 10 years- she wasn't the same- mid-brain stroke they labeled it- she needed 24/7 care- but painfully suffering wasn't the case- from what I've studied ALS is an entrapment of oneself inside a useless body- suffering is the label I give it-

Racing heart- tear-filled eyes – struggling here at 7:51 a.m. in my jeans and recliner.

Please pray for my cousin – Chuck Carter.

twinkle in her eye

Some people hold on to life until they are ready to leave, most of them are waiting on someone to visit them before they surrender.. these are the words that started the phone call – she made to me… I didn't have a comment to her boldness…. I knew what was coming next… as they had called every other day- saying…this is it… the doctors said - this is it… she is dying… you need to come… I COULD NOT GO!!! I HATE nursing homes… it's death row for the elderly. She knows I love her… I will not tell her goodbye… I will not!!!

God told her last night that grandmother is waiting to see me… for a visit from me…before she turns loose of her earthly self and joins the Jesus she has spoken about her entire life…. God told her last night…. That Grandmother is holding on for me….. WELL - could you tell God I am pretty upset with him right now and I am not going to see her…. I said to my sister……. As she hung up she prayed over this and talked some more to God….. the sun rose…. It was father's day…. My father was with his mother, at the nursing home…. Standing over her as she barely hung onto life…… I raced around to dress the babies and packed them in their car seats and up the highway I went… to see my grandmother… to prove that she was not waiting on ME… before she died…

the smell makes me nauseated - the sadness is overwhelming… people line the hallways in their wheelchairs just begging for a visitor… the forgotten elderly…. Some with their baby dolls in hand, while others lay as if they are in a vegetated state… sadness….everywhere… and the stench was more than I could handle… I walked fast and furiously down the hall way with one child on my hip and the tiny hand of the other held tightly as though something was going to hurt them… It was my own fear that was dangerous… nothing more… my own fears…

standing there was my daddy saturated in sadness… as I made it past daddy and into the doorway – she laid there – unlike I had ever seen her before - no makeup, no Sunday clothes, no hairdo…. just a soul trapped in its earthly body…READY to escape….

MA MA I said… it's me… I have come to visit you….. for the first time in months she tried to speak…she tried to say my name but was too weak … as her head fell firmly back against the pillow.

Go visit with grandpa…. Get out of here for a while… I said to my parents …..Just leave… I will stay with her today… they left…taking my girls with them… leaving me alone with grandmother…..as I stroked her hands, her face, her hair and talked to her… my past was flashing before my eyes… as a panic attack was about to take control of me….. when suddenly a great calmness overcame me… a calmness that I had only felt one time in my life….. -

………………………..there was a twinkle in her eye that only a granddaughter would understand …..the connection between a grandmother and a grandchild- a bond so strong that even death cannot separate. I could see that twinkle 100 miles away…. it was rooted into my soul.. as it lives here today- planted – like a seed…. to forever give life to the relationship that was formed some 50 years ago. she was always doing something creative… the ivory soap bibles, the Clorox bottle pigs, the baking of marbles for her very own custom jewelry line, crocheting afghans… always something - creative beyond belief- laced with love and packaged with that twinkle.

many nights she lived alone, just like i… it was her love and faith in God that kept her strong……never showing one minute of loneliness or insecurity…. always as strong as that twinkle in her eye…. always embracing her leather bound bible, reading and praying and having faith……so proud to share just how much she loves Jesus…. and how one sweet day she was going to be with Jesus, never afraid – no fear of dying at all… she knew where she was going – to be with Jesus – sweet, sweet Jesus.

so many opportunities I allowed to pass me by… to visit with her as I will forever regret….. time goes by fast with small ones in diapers and everyday life… there was always some excuse… some excuse not to visit with this amazing gift in my life. I sometimes wonder if that felt ok because I could see that twinkle no matter how many excuses I had? was I that naive to believe it wasn't going to make a difference or was I just that insane…that I took it all for granted as though she would never slip away… did I really think she would live forever? So many deep thoughts I was having while standing by her and stroking her hair…..

Lost in deep thought…. I felt her leave…. It was so calming, so heaven like…. the spirit was in the room… and she joined grandmother's spirit and they left… JUST LIKE THAT…. I thought for a moment – and then I walked to the nurses' station and calmly requested they come check… check to see if my grandmother was alive…. They raced into the room… and began pressing her nail beds….. WHERE IS YOUR FATHER – the nurse screeched at me…. calmly I asked why? SHE IS DYING NOW…. came a cry from the nurse…. CALL YOUR FATHER, GET HIM BACK HERE….

Yes… please give mom and dad the message when they get there…. Please tell them to come back to the nursing home…. I said to my mom's sister when she answered my grandfather's phone. As I walked back into that room… her body was pale, slightly breathing…but I knew she – my grandmother- was gone… she was on her way to meet Jesus…. and she was happy… just like she had been her entire life…. I knew then YES my grandmother waited on me to die and that she will truly LIVE FOREVER….

In loving memory of

My beautiful grandmother

Mary Dill-Mullinax

the untimely death of a nephew

On one hand it seems like forever ago…while on the other – it's just like yesterday – the marriage was over – I just couldn't say it out loud… he slept in one end of the house, me in the other-

The headlights were so bright, the knock on the door was deafening… I stumbled to the door, peeked through the peek hole and there he was shaking in shock. I raced to open the door just in time to catch him… as he stood falling… Daddy, Daddy, Daddy - what's wrong???

I saw a figure in the darkness walking our way- it was a dream, a bad bad dream – or was it Real ? it was real ….

My brother-in-law walked closer and closer, my vision became blurred and my ears were ringing – it was a mistake – it had to be a mistake… Just help daddy breathe and we will soon learn – this was all a big mistake….

As we slid up the steps to brace ourselves on the warmth of the deck – he was pulling it together… getting stronger… he mumbled those deafening words to me- I can still hear them today… those three little words that changed all of our lives forever…. Ricky IS DEAD….

NO No NOoooooooooo NO I screamed… this IS a mistake… we will all go to see her and when we get there it will all be ok…… he was too young to die, I just talked to him on the phone, he just graduated high school, he wasn't married yet, he is so full of life…. This cannot be true.. C A N N O T BE T R U E.

The sun came up and a new day was born or was it?

a long ride to Whiteville that morning..the first ride I can remember where my parents, my sister and I were together in a car… it was a ride I wish we weren't taking… it was a three and a half hour ride forward while our minds and hearts paddled backwards…

there were cars everywhere, people standing everywhere, teenagers and more teenagers everywhere… WHY did they have so much company??? Why did they have a white flower on their door?

And then I saw her… my eyes connected to hers…. But she wasn't there… she was not there… there was no reflection of a soul in her eyes… just darkness- deep darkness…

she is MY SISTER and I can't do ANYTHING to help her – N O T H I N G!!! I was useless… absolutely useless…

there was food everywhere, people everywhere, laughter, whispers, tears, screams, fear, anger and there was God… God was there… I was mad at God… Sometimes.. I am still mad at God… as I write this I feel anger at God building…..

that sound… that sound that I will never forget- the sound of a mother's soul being amputated right in front of you as you stand uselessly in the way… I thought if I stood still and didn't move she wouldn't see him… she was behind me and if I could just stonewall myself- she will not see him… that scream of pain was ringing into the marrow of my bones, I turn to try to help as she laid fetus position on the floor… daddy right there with her…. This was REAL….

His face was swollen, his neck broken, he was hurt… hurt bad… REAL BAD…. It was real… Ricky was dead….. but… he was only 19…. It was real…. Death does not discriminate…

The girls didn't understand the magnitude of death – they were too young…. He had said to me after daddy left that night- "go back to bed – he is dead- he is gone- there is nothing you can do about it- go back to bed"… visions of the nightmares which had unfolded rolled like a reel to reel movie in my mind all the way home… I knew it was time to say it out loud… the marriage IS over….

In loving memory of:

Richard (Ricky) Donald Bowen

~ deeper undercurrent of thought