On one hand it seems like forever ago…while on the other – it's just like yesterday – the marriage was over – I just couldn't say it out loud… he slept in one end of the house, me in the other-
The headlights were so bright, the knock on the door was deafening… I stumbled to the door, peeked through the peek hole and there he was shaking in shock. I raced to open the door just in time to catch him… as he stood falling… Daddy, Daddy, Daddy - what's wrong???
I saw a figure in the darkness walking our way- it was a dream, a bad bad dream – or was it Real ? it was real ….
My brother-in-law walked closer and closer, my vision became blurred and my ears were ringing – it was a mistake – it had to be a mistake… Just help daddy breathe and we will soon learn – this was all a big mistake….
As we slid up the steps to brace ourselves on the warmth of the deck – he was pulling it together… getting stronger… he mumbled those deafening words to me- I can still hear them today… those three little words that changed all of our lives forever…. Ricky IS DEAD….
NO No NOoooooooooo NO I screamed… this IS a mistake… we will all go to see her and when we get there it will all be ok…… he was too young to die, I just talked to him on the phone, he just graduated high school, he wasn't married yet, he is so full of life…. This cannot be true.. C A N N O T BE T R U E.
The sun came up and a new day was born or was it?
a long ride to Whiteville that morning..the first ride I can remember where my parents, my sister and I were together in a car… it was a ride I wish we weren't taking… it was a three and a half hour ride forward while our minds and hearts paddled backwards…
there were cars everywhere, people standing everywhere, teenagers and more teenagers everywhere… WHY did they have so much company??? Why did they have a white flower on their door?
And then I saw her… my eyes connected to hers…. But she wasn't there… she was not there… there was no reflection of a soul in her eyes… just darkness- deep darkness…
she is MY SISTER and I can't do ANYTHING to help her – N O T H I N G!!! I was useless… absolutely useless…
there was food everywhere, people everywhere, laughter, whispers, tears, screams, fear, anger and there was God… God was there… I was mad at God… Sometimes.. I am still mad at God… as I write this I feel anger at God building…..
that sound… that sound that I will never forget- the sound of a mother's soul being amputated right in front of you as you stand uselessly in the way… I thought if I stood still and didn't move she wouldn't see him… she was behind me and if I could just stonewall myself- she will not see him… that scream of pain was ringing into the marrow of my bones, I turn to try to help as she laid fetus position on the floor… daddy right there with her…. This was REAL….
His face was swollen, his neck broken, he was hurt… hurt bad… REAL BAD…. It was real… Ricky was dead….. but… he was only 19…. It was real…. Death does not discriminate…
The girls didn't understand the magnitude of death – they were too young…. He had said to me after daddy left that night- "go back to bed – he is dead- he is gone- there is nothing you can do about it- go back to bed"… visions of the nightmares which had unfolded rolled like a reel to reel movie in my mind all the way home… I knew it was time to say it out loud… the marriage IS over….
In loving memory of:
Richard (Ricky) Donald Bowen
~ deeper undercurrent of thought
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