You Ask

You ask
Why you haven't
heard from me today?
I answered:
I was listening
to your
Silence
So I could clearly
Hear
Your words....
You said
I love you
You said
I WILL
call you back...
I'm listening
To your silence....
Hear my words
I love you
Your Silence is
deafening
In my words....

lymmi

nervous energy
    exposed
like a naked serge

too vocal....
  i needed to purge!!

little did i know
  a turn off it would be...
letting go of all
  i'd been holding inside of me.

honesty - something we share
  that quality
is the very reason i care.

babbling from all
  i've held back
drivin' you away
  unknown to what I lacked.

conversation
  is what you desire
understanding that
  has added flames to our fire.

lovin you
  is what i do
forever & a day
  i'll be here for you....

lymmi

Starvation

I taste you
and I realized
I have been starving
I want to taste you again
Like a secret or a sin
I will eat you slowly
With kisses.
Kissing you drunk
While sober...
Tasting your mind
Is a flavor I can never
forget.
Feed me, I'm starving.

in search of

my "self"

 

numbness - entrapped - loneliness - aloneness - complex

simple - deterioration - slipping - juggling - outgrown - balanced

unbalanced - sadness - regretted - amazement - depression - happy

considerate - unforgettable - kind - caring - understanding - compassionate

scared - scarred - drained - done - dead - hidden - honest - dedicated - lost - hurt

whisper - shout - scream - cry - joy - pride - shame - unique - spiritual - spiritless - insecure

secure - strong - weak - growing - stagnant - puzzled - grieving - isolated - outgoing

 

where am I?

 

somewhere between content and discontent; happy and sad; whispering and screaming

lost and found

 

 

 

far away eyes

his relentless willingness to labor was unlike any I had seen in years… a young man of just 14 years with far away eyes…
his charm was endless; he quickly secured a spot deep into the roots of my heart. there was something about him that brought me great guardedness from the first time I laid my eyes on him… I could never pin point it other than a feeling, a feeling that he was not going to grow old… a feeling I had when I looked into his far away eyes.
never was he late for work, never did he ask to leave early and always he offered to do more than one could expect. as a small business owner he was a blessing … a helpful blessing…. he was more than an employee- he was a child looking for unconditional love and approval. I gave that to him – that is the one thing I did give to him…. I gave him my unconditional love and approval…
how would I break the news to him…. In many ways he was adult like… but he was just a child the labor laws clearly stated he is a child. breaking the news to him as the tears streamed from his far away eyes was difficult. he was too young to really understand.." it's not fair Ms. Renée.. it's not fair… I can do the work… I won't tell anyone… let me just please come back Ms. Renée.. let me please…" I promised him that day when he turned 16- he would have a job……
it was convenient that his granddad was my neighbor as he stayed with his granddad more often than not once we met. many nights he ate at my table and watched the evening news with my girls and me. many nights when he left I would tell him over and over and over to be careful… to call me when he got to his destination. many times he reported in and as he chuckled…. He had made it across the yard safe and sound and in one piece.
I couldn't explain to him or anyone this feeling… it was just something I felt.. something larger than life – something I felt every time I looked into his far away eyes…
"I HATE HIM"… he cried… as he laid across my bed with his wet face drenching my chest…. His dog of many years had been injured and laid beneath the porch for more than a week before that man took him to the vet… this day..that man…that man he hated as he cried… took his dog to the vet… just to return home to shoot the dog… it angered him –that $300.00 he spent at the vet that day…angered him to the point he took the life of this animal… and injured the spirit of his son… the little boy with far away eyes…
She went into labor and gave birth to 1, 2, 3, 4, then 13…. Weimaranrer puppies… 13 tiny little gray puppies that need the love of this injured spirit… and he loved those puppies in his life… they put a spark back into the center of his yet still – far away eyes….
"YOU HAVE TO CANCEL MY APPOINTMENT!!!! She screamed over and over as she trembled on the phone… I cannot get my hair colored today Ms. Renée… He has been in a bad accident… the Jet Ski- it was bad…they were going to fly him to the hospital… please tell me he is going to be OK… "
My knees were weakened as my adrenaline raced… First.. all the kids have to be here with me… Get them all with me where they will be safe… I need backup..support… this was not a good feeling.. all I could vision were his far away eyes….
"Yes SIR….I will" "I have called all the children –they are coming over to be with me and the puppies until we hear more from you.. I will take care of the children… all of them…" I said to Papa as he raced to RMH in Columbia…
They drove up in car loads… kids, kids and more kids… all pale with tears streaming from their face looking to me for comfort… When he firmly said…. "RENEE I NEED YOU!!!!!!! I need you to be STRONG for me…. " " But ---but Papa… I don't think I can…. "
"YOU HAVE TO… YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE…. He didn't make it… he's DEAD… he is dead…."
There they stood …these scared children… looking to me for comfort….. looking to me for reassurance that he was not hurt too bad…. I knew then… I didn't have a choice… this was not about me… this was where I had to be strong… we took the children in separate groups…. One in the den with steve and the other with me outside…. The rafters seemed to sink as the screams reached over their highest points for the heavens… she ran from me… ran as fast as she could … arms stretched to the heavens, screaming….. "NO! NO Ms. Renée NO!!! " she dropped on the freshly painted double yellow lines of the highway… as she pounded her tiny fist into the pavements and screamed… I held her… I held her tight…whispering…. "I love you….. I love you…. I love you…."
She whispered…. With all she had…. "Please don't love me…. Please don't love me…. Everybody who loves me….. DIES….."
once again her young life had been forever altered…….


In loving memory of:
Ben Thomas