I Love

I love my eyes
when you look into them.
I love my name
when you say it.
I love my heart
when you touch it.
I love my life
when you are in it.

Left Wondering

Left wondering
If there's something I said.
Making me question
How I ever let you in my head.
There's a bond between us
That can never be denied
So why would you make me
Feel like I should hide?
You looked in my eyes
And made a lifetime pack
How in this relationship
We'll always have each others back.
Your mind is full
Of more than I will know
Leaving me wondering
Do I hold on or let go? 
I will continue to write
How you make me feel.
Sharing that with you
Is no longer part of the deal.

in search of

my "self"

 

numbness - entrapped - loneliness - aloneness - complex

simple - deterioration - slipping - juggling - outgrown - balanced

unbalanced - sadness - regretted - amazement - depression - happy

considerate - unforgettable - kind - caring - understanding - compassionate

scared - scarred - drained - done - dead - hidden - honest - dedicated - lost - hurt

whisper - shout - scream - cry - joy - pride - shame - unique - spiritual - spiritless - insecure

secure - strong - weak - growing - stagnant - puzzled - grieving - isolated - outgoing

 

where am I?

 

somewhere between content and discontent; happy and sad; whispering and screaming

lost and found

 

 

 

“life may be Greener on the other side of pain”

racing – is the feeling I feel in from the chest to the throat to the finger tips…. rapidness… racing rapidness… there was a time in the not so distant past that I would label this as a panic attack… this label is easier for me to talk about – for me to "fix"…. easier than attempting to label and address this rapid racing of heart beat and pulse…. I feel as though my chest could implode. Would I care less for others in order not to feel this near implosion? NO….. it's not in my DNA… I am a compassionate woman, person, mother, friend, human being. It is who I am…

it was clear I drifted deep to sleep – too deep… there were 5 missed calls from her… between 3:00 am and 4:30 am…. this rapid racing took over the controls and was driving me to whirlwind when I couldn't get her to answer…. what had happened that she needed me so desperately while I drifted – was she safe? Was SHE SAFE??? I need to know… but I can't find out..anything… no one is awake but me in my world right now… how could I drift so deep and so far that when my child needed me I wasn't there… the rapid racing got stronger and stronger as it does now…. that's when I read….. "RIP Terry" I love you – it was everywhere… and everywhere it was - had a common connection to me… they were all friends of hers - theirs …. But she… was sleeping and had not contacted me yet… only one daughter must know about Terry… and Terry who - I panicked…. I began texting and calling them both… with no success… an hour went by and her sister answered…. What's wrong mom? I asked… do you know – a Terry that could have passed away last night…… as she hesitated – she was reading multiple text messages that were stored on her cell…. As she began sobbing and saying no mom, no…. not Terry – this makes no sense… no sense mom – none… No MOM… NO… Her breathing became much labored- her voice began to crack… she was falling apart- a little with each breath… I have to call Elaina - MOM… I will call you back….

time seemed to stand still….

there was a faint sound of pain on the other end of the line… MOM… he – he- Terry – Mom – Terry killed himself last night… MOM – NOOOOOOOOoooooooo…. Mom – this makes no sense, mom it makes no sense… MOM- NO!!! - she screamed and I began to cry with her and tell her how very much I loved her…. It's a lot for anyone to wrap their mind around…. As time stood still yet the clock was moving, her sister woke and her breathing was labored – the same… the same labored breathing, voice cracking pain…. as the pain gushed from her soul like blood from a fresh lesion. Mom- I was so alone when I was told Terry ended this painful life he has been living – I tried and tried to get you but I couldn't get you - mom… I don't understand - mom… I just don't understand… I was his friend…he could have talked to me… he could have talked to me mom.. I would have helped him - mom….. MOM…. I AM SO DAMN ANGRY!! Oh MY GOD MOM….. OMG!

This was a day no one can or would attempt to prepare for… a day you may have to help your children through the suicide of a friend.. the unthinkable….

Terry was a young boy when his mother was murdered….he was a sweet boy that we watched mental cancer slowly take over his soul….

Life went on… his dad went to prison… school days passed us by, graduation, life… life went on… we didn't stop loving Terry, we didn't stop caring about Terry…. Life went on…. While busy with college, work, and everyday life we don't always reach out to those we seem to love and care about… I don't think I would label it as taking for them granted… so much as…. Just going and growing in different directions…. Thinking and feeling the roots planted way back then were still intact….

Terry's mental cancer took his life.. his pain became more than he could bare… only God knows what was in his heart and mind… God is protecting him now… I said to them as I held them close to my heart… Confused with many mixed emotions they listened and you could see them trying to wrap their minds around it all…

anger was widespread … and that's when i realized….

It was 1982 - I think…when I got that phone call…. the call that none of us can or would attempt to prepare for…. The call that gives you labored breathing and rapidness in the throat and chest…. He was on the phone with a girl…. and BOOM…. the gun went off and he was dead they were saying these things to me as I felt I was in a tunnel underground… the sound was muffled… my ears were ringing and my eyes were stinging…. I didn't have anyone to talk too – that had dealt with this before…. Anger consumed me… I refused to show him respect… he didn't show me any… he didn't care how much this was going to hurt me…. he was selfish and I was angry… the funeral came and went… as I sat at home selfishly filled with anger …. Life went on… day after day… anger was my source of energy that got me through his untimely death….

Until……. that very call came in again…. This time it was another friend…. Keith – Keith Lovelace had killed himself… It was different… my breathing wasn't labored, my voice didn't crack, my chest didn't race… my ears weren't ringing, my eyes weren't stinging… It was clear…very clear to me that day…. How wrong I was- how selfish I had been… it was clear to me that day…. This was an illness…. It was an illness that killed my friends – not a selfish act… time went on.. the clock was ticking but my life stood still… how could I have disrespected the death of my sick friend…. How could I have been so selfish to think he did this to me? what was I going to do with all that I had inside me …where was I going to channel these feelings…. HOW, WHY and
IF became my vocabulary for a long time…. I beat myself up…. I spend many hours by his grave talking to him about my selfish act. He forgave me, God forgave me and eventually I forgave myself….

finally it is all clear…. for all I have been through in this journey we call life- has given me the experience I need as a mother to nurture my girls through this devastating time in their lives…. I sat them down and shared my story of how anger took control of my life… and what it took to open my eyes to how wrong I was in allowing this to happen… I shared with them how I lost two friends to suicide before I allowed my heart to wrap around the pain that some feel is unthinkable, unbearable and only known and understood by our Savior Jesus Christ. It took me losing both friends to understand that sometimes "life may be Greener on the other side of pain "– for my dear friend "Mike Greene" and living with that thought in heart helped me in the acceptance of Mike's death….

Let go of your anger - love, grief and be compassionate and give your questions to God… he will answer them one day…. I said to my girls...

This day… I understood why I walked through the valley of anger and loss and unthinkable guilt… Because this day… all I've experienced helped my girls through this unthinkable death of Terry ……they realize….

-life may be "Greener" on the other side of pain for some.

In loving memory of :

Mike Greene; Keith Lovelace; Terry Garner

far away eyes

his relentless willingness to labor was unlike any I had seen in years… a young man of just 14 years with far away eyes…
his charm was endless; he quickly secured a spot deep into the roots of my heart. there was something about him that brought me great guardedness from the first time I laid my eyes on him… I could never pin point it other than a feeling, a feeling that he was not going to grow old… a feeling I had when I looked into his far away eyes.
never was he late for work, never did he ask to leave early and always he offered to do more than one could expect. as a small business owner he was a blessing … a helpful blessing…. he was more than an employee- he was a child looking for unconditional love and approval. I gave that to him – that is the one thing I did give to him…. I gave him my unconditional love and approval…
how would I break the news to him…. In many ways he was adult like… but he was just a child the labor laws clearly stated he is a child. breaking the news to him as the tears streamed from his far away eyes was difficult. he was too young to really understand.." it's not fair Ms. Renée.. it's not fair… I can do the work… I won't tell anyone… let me just please come back Ms. Renée.. let me please…" I promised him that day when he turned 16- he would have a job……
it was convenient that his granddad was my neighbor as he stayed with his granddad more often than not once we met. many nights he ate at my table and watched the evening news with my girls and me. many nights when he left I would tell him over and over and over to be careful… to call me when he got to his destination. many times he reported in and as he chuckled…. He had made it across the yard safe and sound and in one piece.
I couldn't explain to him or anyone this feeling… it was just something I felt.. something larger than life – something I felt every time I looked into his far away eyes…
"I HATE HIM"… he cried… as he laid across my bed with his wet face drenching my chest…. His dog of many years had been injured and laid beneath the porch for more than a week before that man took him to the vet… this day..that man…that man he hated as he cried… took his dog to the vet… just to return home to shoot the dog… it angered him –that $300.00 he spent at the vet that day…angered him to the point he took the life of this animal… and injured the spirit of his son… the little boy with far away eyes…
She went into labor and gave birth to 1, 2, 3, 4, then 13…. Weimaranrer puppies… 13 tiny little gray puppies that need the love of this injured spirit… and he loved those puppies in his life… they put a spark back into the center of his yet still – far away eyes….
"YOU HAVE TO CANCEL MY APPOINTMENT!!!! She screamed over and over as she trembled on the phone… I cannot get my hair colored today Ms. Renée… He has been in a bad accident… the Jet Ski- it was bad…they were going to fly him to the hospital… please tell me he is going to be OK… "
My knees were weakened as my adrenaline raced… First.. all the kids have to be here with me… Get them all with me where they will be safe… I need backup..support… this was not a good feeling.. all I could vision were his far away eyes….
"Yes SIR….I will" "I have called all the children –they are coming over to be with me and the puppies until we hear more from you.. I will take care of the children… all of them…" I said to Papa as he raced to RMH in Columbia…
They drove up in car loads… kids, kids and more kids… all pale with tears streaming from their face looking to me for comfort… When he firmly said…. "RENEE I NEED YOU!!!!!!! I need you to be STRONG for me…. " " But ---but Papa… I don't think I can…. "
"YOU HAVE TO… YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE…. He didn't make it… he's DEAD… he is dead…."
There they stood …these scared children… looking to me for comfort….. looking to me for reassurance that he was not hurt too bad…. I knew then… I didn't have a choice… this was not about me… this was where I had to be strong… we took the children in separate groups…. One in the den with steve and the other with me outside…. The rafters seemed to sink as the screams reached over their highest points for the heavens… she ran from me… ran as fast as she could … arms stretched to the heavens, screaming….. "NO! NO Ms. Renée NO!!! " she dropped on the freshly painted double yellow lines of the highway… as she pounded her tiny fist into the pavements and screamed… I held her… I held her tight…whispering…. "I love you….. I love you…. I love you…."
She whispered…. With all she had…. "Please don't love me…. Please don't love me…. Everybody who loves me….. DIES….."
once again her young life had been forever altered…….


In loving memory of:
Ben Thomas

forever altered

A daddy's girl – gone for the night - to a pajama party. Little did she know – her life would be forever altered. Cars and people everywhere – who are all of these people, why are they at my house so early on a Saturday morning? questions she asked herself as she arrived home from the pajama party. Little did she know just hours before her life had been forever altered.

She was told daddy is in heaven, mama is in the hospital – the life she had lived the past 12 years… was forever altered. As her young heart unraveled so did her life, her daddy had been killed and her mother was in a coma. It was an accident… a boating accident. She was taken to live with her grandparents who she didn't know that well – the grandmother was dying…

surrounded by death at the age of 12- forever altered.

Confused, angry, sad, broken… she tried to find her place. security- like she had before - there was none to be found.. day after day her mother laid in a comatose state, her daddy was buried, her grandmother laid dying- it was she and her brother left in this world that was forever altered.

The doctors played God – her mother lives today- forever altered - a lobotomy – the front lobe – she would never be more than a 9 year old; learning to walk, talk and function again…. not remembering the accident… not understanding her life – not capable of parenting the two children she had…. State of confusion….. forever altered.

Brother and sister – in a world unknown – grandmother past and mom came to live with she and her brother at the grandfather she barely knew… living forever altered…..

(3 years later)

My girls and I moved to a new house on the lake – we met our new neighbors… by now she was 15, her brother was gone to live with the parents of his father, she became my 3^rd child and our lived have been forever altered.

~ deeper undercurrent of thought

true pain

She has a hollow look about her…. an American Beauty drowning emptiness – her soul has been amputated – she has no purpose- she can't find her way – lost on a highway of grief. An amazing woman, a kind soul, a beautiful spirit that cannot be freed as it has been jailed by true pain. She's my friend and I love her, how can I help her? What do I do? Listening doesn't seem to be enough, it's not enough for me, is this because no matter how much I listen, she is still drowning in her emptiness? She calls me a true angel of mercy? I'm not. I am a compassionate friend. That's it.. nothing more, nothing less. I love her, she amazes me.. such kindness, such beauty, such talent all buried beneath true pain. My heart hurts for her every waking moment. I wish I could open her chest to rub her heart to put her pieces back together again. I can't .. it's impossible – she will be forever broken…. It is painful, it is sad; it makes me ache from the inside out.

He was 16. Her life, her reason for being, her baby boy, her Matt, her lifeline, her only child. Smart and unconditionally loved, handsome with a bright future. What happened? What HAPPENED? He took his own life, he could not have known he was taking her life, he would have never done this, had he known - he was taking her life. Leaving behind this amazing mother, woman, wife, friend to live forever jailed by true pain. She understands he was sick - masked beyond recognition, no clues, there still is no clues, 9 years later – no signs that can be thought of or remembered. He was popular, handsome, excellent grades – no girlfriend problems, nothing – no failing grades – nothing….. There had to be something- he took his life – leaving her to ask, how could I have been a good mother and not known my son was in true pain?

I listen, I cry, I love, I care, I pray but nothing I do releases her jailed spirit. It hurts and it's frustrating – is there more I could be doing? Is being a compassionate friend enough? I try to get her out, she doesn't want to get out, she doesn't want to get dressed most days, she is pushed by him – her husband. Who must be in true pain too – but stays strong for her. Does she share with him the thoughts she shares with me? I question because she only shares with me when he isn't near. Does he know how broken she truly is? He must – he was his life, his baby boy, his only child – but was he his lifeline? It doesn't appear so… from the outside – none of us know what's going on in others from looking in from the outside.

I feel honored she takes her mask off with me and shares her true pain. I feel such an urgency to make her smile, to make her laugh, to repair her broken spirit. Is what I am doing enough? What more could I do? I listen, I cry, I love, I care and I pray….. what more can I do?

Suicide is a result of true pain - an illness…. it's malignant – it spreads true pain to the ones left behind and it eats them away slowly day after day after day leaving a hollow look that only someone who has been jailed by its symptoms can understand.

~ deeper undercurrent of thought