time

time
   slips away
         into the depth of life

 

living
    too fast
         to feel time

as time slips away

my “self”

Its been a long time since I've blogged my thoughts… the reasoning behind that is for almost a year now I haven't allowed myself to feel my feelings. I have ignored them and continued to run on passion for others opposed to considering what I may be doing to: my "self"

It wasn't until 3 weeks ago when we lost my 8 year old nephew, Blake in a boating accident, that I realized the injustice I was serving not only to my "self" but to those who love me and who are most important to me. Today I have decided to feel again… I will therefore be blogging again from time to time.

So much has changed about me in the past 2 years that I do not even recognize my "self"… I can't help but question if this is something that is a result of time or hormones or both perhaps? I suddenly feel the need to recognize my "self" again and to move forward from this stagnant place I have been these past 2 years. With the marriage of my daughter quickly approaching and the deterioration of my family around me; along with some new friends God has blessed me with - I realize - today…. is all I have - I better make the best of it… I must dig deeper into my "self" in search of motivation and "self" worthiness;

today I begin digging deeper in search of my "self"

entrapment

entrapment- so many meanings - some more meaningful to

some

than to others

depression = entrapment

to me

loneliness = entrapment and depression

to me

sadness = entrapment and depression

to me

life equals them all

to me

of the bible bearing her name...

small, kind -very kind... kindest, caring, giving, loving, dedicated, honest, jewel, non-judgemental, happy, precious, christian, understanding, considerate, unforgettable



a book of the bible bearing her name...



Ruth



Ruth Parker



my Aunt Ruth... she will always be my Aunt Ruth... the most beautiful person I have ever had the honor of knowing, loving and missing.

jeans and recliner

7:09 am sprung forward this morning – positive sides all around – sleepless night- still in my jeans and recliner – eyes wide open – heart racing….

young, scarred, clinging to life, not wanting too, was the man who became my uncle many years ago- masked, sterile, cold, fear, pain - intense pain - smell of alcohol, tubes, bandages, oxygen, tents, weren't the only descriptive of my memory… love, much love, hope, joy, happiness had their place.

it was a house fire that took his wife's life and left him clinging to life and badly burned with no will to live-

the screams were loud enough for the heavens to hear when she saw what was left of her baby after the fire- the screams moved him from within- he found hope- he began to heal- as the seconds turned to minutes and the minutes to hours and hours to days, days to weeks, weeks to months, months to years – he was there- involved in both his and my recovery-

we helped each other heal- she came to visit and to help her sister with the life we found ourselves living- she was young, kind, caring and single-

they fell in love and married…

two beautiful children were born from that marriage- a son and a daughter- many things were altered over the years-

he will always be my uncle charlie and I will always be his buddin'-

he is not married to my mom's sister anymore- and it was very wrong what he did… very wrong- people who live with disfigurements from a trauma related accident are prone to different behavior- it's my job to love and not judge-

i love him- he pushed the wheels off those wheels chairs when i wanted to go buddin'… nothing will take that away-

46 years later- life is good, the son has a son (yelp- uncle charlie has a grandson) – he is 17 – full of life, best friends with his dad, chuck – excelling in life, school, sports- what a young man he has become- the phone rang, she was very rattled- WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE CANNOT TALK?

the brain will not wrap around what she is saying- how do you suddenly lose the ability to speak? is that possibly and if so how, why???? "A L S" – rang in my ears as though my head were inside the liberty bell as it was struck. Lou Gehrig's Disease – WHAT????

the ringing began to subside around midnight thirty last night – overwhelmed is the only word one could put on this- in processing all that the mind is holding the last 7 hours- OVERWHELMED is my label.

i've lost friends and family near and dear- death is a part of life- God has blessed me to date- from all the great loss in this life- i've never watched anyone suffer- God has been merciful in taking them fast-

Her life was altered for 10 years- she wasn't the same- mid-brain stroke they labeled it- she needed 24/7 care- but painfully suffering wasn't the case- from what I've studied ALS is an entrapment of oneself inside a useless body- suffering is the label I give it-

Racing heart- tear-filled eyes – struggling here at 7:51 a.m. in my jeans and recliner.

Please pray for my cousin – Chuck Carter.

even if i could

masked, sterile, cold, fear, pain - intense pain - smell of alcohol, tubes, bandages, oxygen, tents, blurs and more blurs descriptive of my memory - that's what I thought….

what do I remember? anything - nothing? both - could it be both? long time ago - I was young --- too young to understand those descriptions but not too young to feel pain intense pain….

why did everyone have the mask on their face? why were they all hovering over me looking down - watching me… why were there so many of them- they were all so big- giants – yelp they were giants… they were all wearing green… ugly green…. - it's ugly to me or it was then.. surgical green - that's it… surgical, clinical, medical, hospital, physician green….. UGLY PAINFUL GREEN…

accidents happen fast, they do not discriminate, they have no limits, no boundaries - any age goes - no race no religion discrimination
NO BOUNDARIES…………….

chilly,windy, fall was in the air – sky was blue, leaves were bright……

a helper… yelp a helper – i've always been a helper or at least I thought I was….

a climber- I was a climber loved to climb.... climbed that chilly, windy, fall, blue sky day… climb up to the sink and kick started that gas stove…..
18 months old into everything- a helper - a climber

the door opened, the wind blew in, the flames grew and grew……

it was the first day of the rest of my life……

call it a struggle, a fight, an accident
it WAS and IS …….
– God's Will….

i was and am the chosen one…. i was chosen for this journey –

49 years later - I understand - I am the chosen one for this journey

I wouldn't change it- even if I could.

In honor of my wonderful loving parents ~ Billy and Pauline Dill

“life may be Greener on the other side of pain”

racing – is the feeling I feel in from the chest to the throat to the finger tips…. rapidness… racing rapidness… there was a time in the not so distant past that I would label this as a panic attack… this label is easier for me to talk about – for me to "fix"…. easier than attempting to label and address this rapid racing of heart beat and pulse…. I feel as though my chest could implode. Would I care less for others in order not to feel this near implosion? NO….. it's not in my DNA… I am a compassionate woman, person, mother, friend, human being. It is who I am…

it was clear I drifted deep to sleep – too deep… there were 5 missed calls from her… between 3:00 am and 4:30 am…. this rapid racing took over the controls and was driving me to whirlwind when I couldn't get her to answer…. what had happened that she needed me so desperately while I drifted – was she safe? Was SHE SAFE??? I need to know… but I can't find out..anything… no one is awake but me in my world right now… how could I drift so deep and so far that when my child needed me I wasn't there… the rapid racing got stronger and stronger as it does now…. that's when I read….. "RIP Terry" I love you – it was everywhere… and everywhere it was - had a common connection to me… they were all friends of hers - theirs …. But she… was sleeping and had not contacted me yet… only one daughter must know about Terry… and Terry who - I panicked…. I began texting and calling them both… with no success… an hour went by and her sister answered…. What's wrong mom? I asked… do you know – a Terry that could have passed away last night…… as she hesitated – she was reading multiple text messages that were stored on her cell…. As she began sobbing and saying no mom, no…. not Terry – this makes no sense… no sense mom – none… No MOM… NO… Her breathing became much labored- her voice began to crack… she was falling apart- a little with each breath… I have to call Elaina - MOM… I will call you back….

time seemed to stand still….

there was a faint sound of pain on the other end of the line… MOM… he – he- Terry – Mom – Terry killed himself last night… MOM – NOOOOOOOOoooooooo…. Mom – this makes no sense, mom it makes no sense… MOM- NO!!! - she screamed and I began to cry with her and tell her how very much I loved her…. It's a lot for anyone to wrap their mind around…. As time stood still yet the clock was moving, her sister woke and her breathing was labored – the same… the same labored breathing, voice cracking pain…. as the pain gushed from her soul like blood from a fresh lesion. Mom- I was so alone when I was told Terry ended this painful life he has been living – I tried and tried to get you but I couldn't get you - mom… I don't understand - mom… I just don't understand… I was his friend…he could have talked to me… he could have talked to me mom.. I would have helped him - mom….. MOM…. I AM SO DAMN ANGRY!! Oh MY GOD MOM….. OMG!

This was a day no one can or would attempt to prepare for… a day you may have to help your children through the suicide of a friend.. the unthinkable….

Terry was a young boy when his mother was murdered….he was a sweet boy that we watched mental cancer slowly take over his soul….

Life went on… his dad went to prison… school days passed us by, graduation, life… life went on… we didn't stop loving Terry, we didn't stop caring about Terry…. Life went on…. While busy with college, work, and everyday life we don't always reach out to those we seem to love and care about… I don't think I would label it as taking for them granted… so much as…. Just going and growing in different directions…. Thinking and feeling the roots planted way back then were still intact….

Terry's mental cancer took his life.. his pain became more than he could bare… only God knows what was in his heart and mind… God is protecting him now… I said to them as I held them close to my heart… Confused with many mixed emotions they listened and you could see them trying to wrap their minds around it all…

anger was widespread … and that's when i realized….

It was 1982 - I think…when I got that phone call…. the call that none of us can or would attempt to prepare for…. The call that gives you labored breathing and rapidness in the throat and chest…. He was on the phone with a girl…. and BOOM…. the gun went off and he was dead they were saying these things to me as I felt I was in a tunnel underground… the sound was muffled… my ears were ringing and my eyes were stinging…. I didn't have anyone to talk too – that had dealt with this before…. Anger consumed me… I refused to show him respect… he didn't show me any… he didn't care how much this was going to hurt me…. he was selfish and I was angry… the funeral came and went… as I sat at home selfishly filled with anger …. Life went on… day after day… anger was my source of energy that got me through his untimely death….

Until……. that very call came in again…. This time it was another friend…. Keith – Keith Lovelace had killed himself… It was different… my breathing wasn't labored, my voice didn't crack, my chest didn't race… my ears weren't ringing, my eyes weren't stinging… It was clear…very clear to me that day…. How wrong I was- how selfish I had been… it was clear to me that day…. This was an illness…. It was an illness that killed my friends – not a selfish act… time went on.. the clock was ticking but my life stood still… how could I have disrespected the death of my sick friend…. How could I have been so selfish to think he did this to me? what was I going to do with all that I had inside me …where was I going to channel these feelings…. HOW, WHY and
IF became my vocabulary for a long time…. I beat myself up…. I spend many hours by his grave talking to him about my selfish act. He forgave me, God forgave me and eventually I forgave myself….

finally it is all clear…. for all I have been through in this journey we call life- has given me the experience I need as a mother to nurture my girls through this devastating time in their lives…. I sat them down and shared my story of how anger took control of my life… and what it took to open my eyes to how wrong I was in allowing this to happen… I shared with them how I lost two friends to suicide before I allowed my heart to wrap around the pain that some feel is unthinkable, unbearable and only known and understood by our Savior Jesus Christ. It took me losing both friends to understand that sometimes "life may be Greener on the other side of pain "– for my dear friend "Mike Greene" and living with that thought in heart helped me in the acceptance of Mike's death….

Let go of your anger - love, grief and be compassionate and give your questions to God… he will answer them one day…. I said to my girls...

This day… I understood why I walked through the valley of anger and loss and unthinkable guilt… Because this day… all I've experienced helped my girls through this unthinkable death of Terry ……they realize….

-life may be "Greener" on the other side of pain for some.

In loving memory of :

Mike Greene; Keith Lovelace; Terry Garner