Battered & Torn

Life is killing me
Slowly
Like a battered & torn
Sail
The wind goes through me
Opposed to pushing me forward.
I no longer have the dream
Of patching what's broken
Only of letting go
For the winds to blow me home.
Wherever that shall be.

Final Chapter

On the die I day a lot will happen.

A lot will change.

The world will be busy.

On the day I die, all the important appointments I made will be left unattended.

The many plans I had yet to complete will remain forever undone.

The calendar that ruled so many of my days will now be irrelevant to me.

All the material things I so chased and guarded and treasured will be left in the hands of others to care for or to discard.

The words of my critics which so burdened me will cease to sting or capture anymore.

They will be unable to touch me.

The arguments I believed I’d won here will not serve me or bring me any satisfaction or solace.  

All my noisy incoming notifications and texts and calls will go unanswered.
Their great urgency will be quieted.

My many nagging regrets will all be resigned to the past, where they should have always been anyway.

Every superficial worry about my body that I ever labored over; about my waistline or hairline or frown lines or scars will fade away.

My carefully crafted image, the one I worked so hard to shape for others here, will be left to them to complete anyway.

The sterling reputation I once struggled so greatly to maintain will be of little concern for me anymore.

All the small and large anxieties that stole sleep from me each night will be rendered powerless.

The deep and towering mysteries about life and death that so consumed my mind will finally be clarified in a way that they could never be before while I lived.

These things will certainly all be true on the day that I die.

Yet for as much as will happen on that day, one more thing that will happen.....

On the day I die, the few people who really know and truly love me will grieve deeply.

They will feel a void.

They will feel cheated.

They will not feel ready.

They will feel as though a part of them has died as well.

And on that day, more than anything in the world
they will want more time with me.

I know this from those I love and grieve over.

And so knowing this, while I am still alive I’ll try to remember that my time with them is finite and fleeting and so very precious—

and I’ll do my best not to waste a second of it.

I’ll try not to squander a priceless moment worrying about all the other things that will happen on the day I die, because many of those things are either not my concern or beyond my control.

Friends, those other things have an insidious way of keeping you from living even as you live;
vying for your attention, competing for your affections.

They rob you of the joy of this unrepeatable, uncontainable, ever-evaporating NOw with those who love you and want only to share it with you.

Don’t miss the chance to dance with them while you can.

It’s easy to waste so much daylight in the days before you die.

Don’t let your life be stolen every day by all that you believe matters, because on the day you die, much of it simply won’t.

Yes, you and I will die one day. But before that day comes: let us live, lets dance!

the truth is

                                                                                                  

 

 

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” ― Steve Maraboli

 

 

is the truth

                           easy

 

or is the truth

                             a liar

 

the truth is

                           the truth

                       

 fear is the liar

 

               fear of the truth

                    

                           is crippling

                   

Jesus said in Johns 8:32 "and you will know the truth and the truth will set you free"

 

 

     the truth is...

 

                         someday

 

i will be free

 

 

 

 

 

 



in search of

my "self"

 

numbness - entrapped - loneliness - aloneness - complex

simple - deterioration - slipping - juggling - outgrown - balanced

unbalanced - sadness - regretted - amazement - depression - happy

considerate - unforgettable - kind - caring - understanding - compassionate

scared - scarred - drained - done - dead - hidden - honest - dedicated - lost - hurt

whisper - shout - scream - cry - joy - pride - shame - unique - spiritual - spiritless - insecure

secure - strong - weak - growing - stagnant - puzzled - grieving - isolated - outgoing

 

where am I?

 

somewhere between content and discontent; happy and sad; whispering and screaming

lost and found

 

 

 

my “self”

Its been a long time since I've blogged my thoughts… the reasoning behind that is for almost a year now I haven't allowed myself to feel my feelings. I have ignored them and continued to run on passion for others opposed to considering what I may be doing to: my "self"

It wasn't until 3 weeks ago when we lost my 8 year old nephew, Blake in a boating accident, that I realized the injustice I was serving not only to my "self" but to those who love me and who are most important to me. Today I have decided to feel again… I will therefore be blogging again from time to time.

So much has changed about me in the past 2 years that I do not even recognize my "self"… I can't help but question if this is something that is a result of time or hormones or both perhaps? I suddenly feel the need to recognize my "self" again and to move forward from this stagnant place I have been these past 2 years. With the marriage of my daughter quickly approaching and the deterioration of my family around me; along with some new friends God has blessed me with - I realize - today…. is all I have - I better make the best of it… I must dig deeper into my "self" in search of motivation and "self" worthiness;

today I begin digging deeper in search of my "self"

jeans and recliner

7:09 am sprung forward this morning – positive sides all around – sleepless night- still in my jeans and recliner – eyes wide open – heart racing….

young, scarred, clinging to life, not wanting too, was the man who became my uncle many years ago- masked, sterile, cold, fear, pain - intense pain - smell of alcohol, tubes, bandages, oxygen, tents, weren't the only descriptive of my memory… love, much love, hope, joy, happiness had their place.

it was a house fire that took his wife's life and left him clinging to life and badly burned with no will to live-

the screams were loud enough for the heavens to hear when she saw what was left of her baby after the fire- the screams moved him from within- he found hope- he began to heal- as the seconds turned to minutes and the minutes to hours and hours to days, days to weeks, weeks to months, months to years – he was there- involved in both his and my recovery-

we helped each other heal- she came to visit and to help her sister with the life we found ourselves living- she was young, kind, caring and single-

they fell in love and married…

two beautiful children were born from that marriage- a son and a daughter- many things were altered over the years-

he will always be my uncle charlie and I will always be his buddin'-

he is not married to my mom's sister anymore- and it was very wrong what he did… very wrong- people who live with disfigurements from a trauma related accident are prone to different behavior- it's my job to love and not judge-

i love him- he pushed the wheels off those wheels chairs when i wanted to go buddin'… nothing will take that away-

46 years later- life is good, the son has a son (yelp- uncle charlie has a grandson) – he is 17 – full of life, best friends with his dad, chuck – excelling in life, school, sports- what a young man he has become- the phone rang, she was very rattled- WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE CANNOT TALK?

the brain will not wrap around what she is saying- how do you suddenly lose the ability to speak? is that possibly and if so how, why???? "A L S" – rang in my ears as though my head were inside the liberty bell as it was struck. Lou Gehrig's Disease – WHAT????

the ringing began to subside around midnight thirty last night – overwhelmed is the only word one could put on this- in processing all that the mind is holding the last 7 hours- OVERWHELMED is my label.

i've lost friends and family near and dear- death is a part of life- God has blessed me to date- from all the great loss in this life- i've never watched anyone suffer- God has been merciful in taking them fast-

Her life was altered for 10 years- she wasn't the same- mid-brain stroke they labeled it- she needed 24/7 care- but painfully suffering wasn't the case- from what I've studied ALS is an entrapment of oneself inside a useless body- suffering is the label I give it-

Racing heart- tear-filled eyes – struggling here at 7:51 a.m. in my jeans and recliner.

Please pray for my cousin – Chuck Carter.

“life may be Greener on the other side of pain”

racing – is the feeling I feel in from the chest to the throat to the finger tips…. rapidness… racing rapidness… there was a time in the not so distant past that I would label this as a panic attack… this label is easier for me to talk about – for me to "fix"…. easier than attempting to label and address this rapid racing of heart beat and pulse…. I feel as though my chest could implode. Would I care less for others in order not to feel this near implosion? NO….. it's not in my DNA… I am a compassionate woman, person, mother, friend, human being. It is who I am…

it was clear I drifted deep to sleep – too deep… there were 5 missed calls from her… between 3:00 am and 4:30 am…. this rapid racing took over the controls and was driving me to whirlwind when I couldn't get her to answer…. what had happened that she needed me so desperately while I drifted – was she safe? Was SHE SAFE??? I need to know… but I can't find out..anything… no one is awake but me in my world right now… how could I drift so deep and so far that when my child needed me I wasn't there… the rapid racing got stronger and stronger as it does now…. that's when I read….. "RIP Terry" I love you – it was everywhere… and everywhere it was - had a common connection to me… they were all friends of hers - theirs …. But she… was sleeping and had not contacted me yet… only one daughter must know about Terry… and Terry who - I panicked…. I began texting and calling them both… with no success… an hour went by and her sister answered…. What's wrong mom? I asked… do you know – a Terry that could have passed away last night…… as she hesitated – she was reading multiple text messages that were stored on her cell…. As she began sobbing and saying no mom, no…. not Terry – this makes no sense… no sense mom – none… No MOM… NO… Her breathing became much labored- her voice began to crack… she was falling apart- a little with each breath… I have to call Elaina - MOM… I will call you back….

time seemed to stand still….

there was a faint sound of pain on the other end of the line… MOM… he – he- Terry – Mom – Terry killed himself last night… MOM – NOOOOOOOOoooooooo…. Mom – this makes no sense, mom it makes no sense… MOM- NO!!! - she screamed and I began to cry with her and tell her how very much I loved her…. It's a lot for anyone to wrap their mind around…. As time stood still yet the clock was moving, her sister woke and her breathing was labored – the same… the same labored breathing, voice cracking pain…. as the pain gushed from her soul like blood from a fresh lesion. Mom- I was so alone when I was told Terry ended this painful life he has been living – I tried and tried to get you but I couldn't get you - mom… I don't understand - mom… I just don't understand… I was his friend…he could have talked to me… he could have talked to me mom.. I would have helped him - mom….. MOM…. I AM SO DAMN ANGRY!! Oh MY GOD MOM….. OMG!

This was a day no one can or would attempt to prepare for… a day you may have to help your children through the suicide of a friend.. the unthinkable….

Terry was a young boy when his mother was murdered….he was a sweet boy that we watched mental cancer slowly take over his soul….

Life went on… his dad went to prison… school days passed us by, graduation, life… life went on… we didn't stop loving Terry, we didn't stop caring about Terry…. Life went on…. While busy with college, work, and everyday life we don't always reach out to those we seem to love and care about… I don't think I would label it as taking for them granted… so much as…. Just going and growing in different directions…. Thinking and feeling the roots planted way back then were still intact….

Terry's mental cancer took his life.. his pain became more than he could bare… only God knows what was in his heart and mind… God is protecting him now… I said to them as I held them close to my heart… Confused with many mixed emotions they listened and you could see them trying to wrap their minds around it all…

anger was widespread … and that's when i realized….

It was 1982 - I think…when I got that phone call…. the call that none of us can or would attempt to prepare for…. The call that gives you labored breathing and rapidness in the throat and chest…. He was on the phone with a girl…. and BOOM…. the gun went off and he was dead they were saying these things to me as I felt I was in a tunnel underground… the sound was muffled… my ears were ringing and my eyes were stinging…. I didn't have anyone to talk too – that had dealt with this before…. Anger consumed me… I refused to show him respect… he didn't show me any… he didn't care how much this was going to hurt me…. he was selfish and I was angry… the funeral came and went… as I sat at home selfishly filled with anger …. Life went on… day after day… anger was my source of energy that got me through his untimely death….

Until……. that very call came in again…. This time it was another friend…. Keith – Keith Lovelace had killed himself… It was different… my breathing wasn't labored, my voice didn't crack, my chest didn't race… my ears weren't ringing, my eyes weren't stinging… It was clear…very clear to me that day…. How wrong I was- how selfish I had been… it was clear to me that day…. This was an illness…. It was an illness that killed my friends – not a selfish act… time went on.. the clock was ticking but my life stood still… how could I have disrespected the death of my sick friend…. How could I have been so selfish to think he did this to me? what was I going to do with all that I had inside me …where was I going to channel these feelings…. HOW, WHY and
IF became my vocabulary for a long time…. I beat myself up…. I spend many hours by his grave talking to him about my selfish act. He forgave me, God forgave me and eventually I forgave myself….

finally it is all clear…. for all I have been through in this journey we call life- has given me the experience I need as a mother to nurture my girls through this devastating time in their lives…. I sat them down and shared my story of how anger took control of my life… and what it took to open my eyes to how wrong I was in allowing this to happen… I shared with them how I lost two friends to suicide before I allowed my heart to wrap around the pain that some feel is unthinkable, unbearable and only known and understood by our Savior Jesus Christ. It took me losing both friends to understand that sometimes "life may be Greener on the other side of pain "– for my dear friend "Mike Greene" and living with that thought in heart helped me in the acceptance of Mike's death….

Let go of your anger - love, grief and be compassionate and give your questions to God… he will answer them one day…. I said to my girls...

This day… I understood why I walked through the valley of anger and loss and unthinkable guilt… Because this day… all I've experienced helped my girls through this unthinkable death of Terry ……they realize….

-life may be "Greener" on the other side of pain for some.

In loving memory of :

Mike Greene; Keith Lovelace; Terry Garner

forever altered

A daddy's girl – gone for the night - to a pajama party. Little did she know – her life would be forever altered. Cars and people everywhere – who are all of these people, why are they at my house so early on a Saturday morning? questions she asked herself as she arrived home from the pajama party. Little did she know just hours before her life had been forever altered.

She was told daddy is in heaven, mama is in the hospital – the life she had lived the past 12 years… was forever altered. As her young heart unraveled so did her life, her daddy had been killed and her mother was in a coma. It was an accident… a boating accident. She was taken to live with her grandparents who she didn't know that well – the grandmother was dying…

surrounded by death at the age of 12- forever altered.

Confused, angry, sad, broken… she tried to find her place. security- like she had before - there was none to be found.. day after day her mother laid in a comatose state, her daddy was buried, her grandmother laid dying- it was she and her brother left in this world that was forever altered.

The doctors played God – her mother lives today- forever altered - a lobotomy – the front lobe – she would never be more than a 9 year old; learning to walk, talk and function again…. not remembering the accident… not understanding her life – not capable of parenting the two children she had…. State of confusion….. forever altered.

Brother and sister – in a world unknown – grandmother past and mom came to live with she and her brother at the grandfather she barely knew… living forever altered…..

(3 years later)

My girls and I moved to a new house on the lake – we met our new neighbors… by now she was 15, her brother was gone to live with the parents of his father, she became my 3^rd child and our lived have been forever altered.

~ deeper undercurrent of thought