twinkle in her eye

Some people hold on to life until they are ready to leave, most of them are waiting on someone to visit them before they surrender.. these are the words that started the phone call – she made to me… I didn't have a comment to her boldness…. I knew what was coming next… as they had called every other day- saying…this is it… the doctors said - this is it… she is dying… you need to come… I COULD NOT GO!!! I HATE nursing homes… it's death row for the elderly. She knows I love her… I will not tell her goodbye… I will not!!!

God told her last night that grandmother is waiting to see me… for a visit from me…before she turns loose of her earthly self and joins the Jesus she has spoken about her entire life…. God told her last night…. That Grandmother is holding on for me….. WELL - could you tell God I am pretty upset with him right now and I am not going to see her…. I said to my sister……. As she hung up she prayed over this and talked some more to God….. the sun rose…. It was father's day…. My father was with his mother, at the nursing home…. Standing over her as she barely hung onto life…… I raced around to dress the babies and packed them in their car seats and up the highway I went… to see my grandmother… to prove that she was not waiting on ME… before she died…

the smell makes me nauseated - the sadness is overwhelming… people line the hallways in their wheelchairs just begging for a visitor… the forgotten elderly…. Some with their baby dolls in hand, while others lay as if they are in a vegetated state… sadness….everywhere… and the stench was more than I could handle… I walked fast and furiously down the hall way with one child on my hip and the tiny hand of the other held tightly as though something was going to hurt them… It was my own fear that was dangerous… nothing more… my own fears…

standing there was my daddy saturated in sadness… as I made it past daddy and into the doorway – she laid there – unlike I had ever seen her before - no makeup, no Sunday clothes, no hairdo…. just a soul trapped in its earthly body…READY to escape….

MA MA I said… it's me… I have come to visit you….. for the first time in months she tried to speak…she tried to say my name but was too weak … as her head fell firmly back against the pillow.

Go visit with grandpa…. Get out of here for a while… I said to my parents …..Just leave… I will stay with her today… they left…taking my girls with them… leaving me alone with grandmother…..as I stroked her hands, her face, her hair and talked to her… my past was flashing before my eyes… as a panic attack was about to take control of me….. when suddenly a great calmness overcame me… a calmness that I had only felt one time in my life….. -

………………………..there was a twinkle in her eye that only a granddaughter would understand …..the connection between a grandmother and a grandchild- a bond so strong that even death cannot separate. I could see that twinkle 100 miles away…. it was rooted into my soul.. as it lives here today- planted – like a seed…. to forever give life to the relationship that was formed some 50 years ago. she was always doing something creative… the ivory soap bibles, the Clorox bottle pigs, the baking of marbles for her very own custom jewelry line, crocheting afghans… always something - creative beyond belief- laced with love and packaged with that twinkle.

many nights she lived alone, just like i… it was her love and faith in God that kept her strong……never showing one minute of loneliness or insecurity…. always as strong as that twinkle in her eye…. always embracing her leather bound bible, reading and praying and having faith……so proud to share just how much she loves Jesus…. and how one sweet day she was going to be with Jesus, never afraid – no fear of dying at all… she knew where she was going – to be with Jesus – sweet, sweet Jesus.

so many opportunities I allowed to pass me by… to visit with her as I will forever regret….. time goes by fast with small ones in diapers and everyday life… there was always some excuse… some excuse not to visit with this amazing gift in my life. I sometimes wonder if that felt ok because I could see that twinkle no matter how many excuses I had? was I that naive to believe it wasn't going to make a difference or was I just that insane…that I took it all for granted as though she would never slip away… did I really think she would live forever? So many deep thoughts I was having while standing by her and stroking her hair…..

Lost in deep thought…. I felt her leave…. It was so calming, so heaven like…. the spirit was in the room… and she joined grandmother's spirit and they left… JUST LIKE THAT…. I thought for a moment – and then I walked to the nurses' station and calmly requested they come check… check to see if my grandmother was alive…. They raced into the room… and began pressing her nail beds….. WHERE IS YOUR FATHER – the nurse screeched at me…. calmly I asked why? SHE IS DYING NOW…. came a cry from the nurse…. CALL YOUR FATHER, GET HIM BACK HERE….

Yes… please give mom and dad the message when they get there…. Please tell them to come back to the nursing home…. I said to my mom's sister when she answered my grandfather's phone. As I walked back into that room… her body was pale, slightly breathing…but I knew she – my grandmother- was gone… she was on her way to meet Jesus…. and she was happy… just like she had been her entire life…. I knew then YES my grandmother waited on me to die and that she will truly LIVE FOREVER….

In loving memory of

My beautiful grandmother

Mary Dill-Mullinax

far away eyes

his relentless willingness to labor was unlike any I had seen in years… a young man of just 14 years with far away eyes…
his charm was endless; he quickly secured a spot deep into the roots of my heart. there was something about him that brought me great guardedness from the first time I laid my eyes on him… I could never pin point it other than a feeling, a feeling that he was not going to grow old… a feeling I had when I looked into his far away eyes.
never was he late for work, never did he ask to leave early and always he offered to do more than one could expect. as a small business owner he was a blessing … a helpful blessing…. he was more than an employee- he was a child looking for unconditional love and approval. I gave that to him – that is the one thing I did give to him…. I gave him my unconditional love and approval…
how would I break the news to him…. In many ways he was adult like… but he was just a child the labor laws clearly stated he is a child. breaking the news to him as the tears streamed from his far away eyes was difficult. he was too young to really understand.." it's not fair Ms. Renée.. it's not fair… I can do the work… I won't tell anyone… let me just please come back Ms. Renée.. let me please…" I promised him that day when he turned 16- he would have a job……
it was convenient that his granddad was my neighbor as he stayed with his granddad more often than not once we met. many nights he ate at my table and watched the evening news with my girls and me. many nights when he left I would tell him over and over and over to be careful… to call me when he got to his destination. many times he reported in and as he chuckled…. He had made it across the yard safe and sound and in one piece.
I couldn't explain to him or anyone this feeling… it was just something I felt.. something larger than life – something I felt every time I looked into his far away eyes…
"I HATE HIM"… he cried… as he laid across my bed with his wet face drenching my chest…. His dog of many years had been injured and laid beneath the porch for more than a week before that man took him to the vet… this day..that man…that man he hated as he cried… took his dog to the vet… just to return home to shoot the dog… it angered him –that $300.00 he spent at the vet that day…angered him to the point he took the life of this animal… and injured the spirit of his son… the little boy with far away eyes…
She went into labor and gave birth to 1, 2, 3, 4, then 13…. Weimaranrer puppies… 13 tiny little gray puppies that need the love of this injured spirit… and he loved those puppies in his life… they put a spark back into the center of his yet still – far away eyes….
"YOU HAVE TO CANCEL MY APPOINTMENT!!!! She screamed over and over as she trembled on the phone… I cannot get my hair colored today Ms. Renée… He has been in a bad accident… the Jet Ski- it was bad…they were going to fly him to the hospital… please tell me he is going to be OK… "
My knees were weakened as my adrenaline raced… First.. all the kids have to be here with me… Get them all with me where they will be safe… I need backup..support… this was not a good feeling.. all I could vision were his far away eyes….
"Yes SIR….I will" "I have called all the children –they are coming over to be with me and the puppies until we hear more from you.. I will take care of the children… all of them…" I said to Papa as he raced to RMH in Columbia…
They drove up in car loads… kids, kids and more kids… all pale with tears streaming from their face looking to me for comfort… When he firmly said…. "RENEE I NEED YOU!!!!!!! I need you to be STRONG for me…. " " But ---but Papa… I don't think I can…. "
"YOU HAVE TO… YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE…. He didn't make it… he's DEAD… he is dead…."
There they stood …these scared children… looking to me for comfort….. looking to me for reassurance that he was not hurt too bad…. I knew then… I didn't have a choice… this was not about me… this was where I had to be strong… we took the children in separate groups…. One in the den with steve and the other with me outside…. The rafters seemed to sink as the screams reached over their highest points for the heavens… she ran from me… ran as fast as she could … arms stretched to the heavens, screaming….. "NO! NO Ms. Renée NO!!! " she dropped on the freshly painted double yellow lines of the highway… as she pounded her tiny fist into the pavements and screamed… I held her… I held her tight…whispering…. "I love you….. I love you…. I love you…."
She whispered…. With all she had…. "Please don't love me…. Please don't love me…. Everybody who loves me….. DIES….."
once again her young life had been forever altered…….


In loving memory of:
Ben Thomas

the untimely death of a nephew

On one hand it seems like forever ago…while on the other – it's just like yesterday – the marriage was over – I just couldn't say it out loud… he slept in one end of the house, me in the other-

The headlights were so bright, the knock on the door was deafening… I stumbled to the door, peeked through the peek hole and there he was shaking in shock. I raced to open the door just in time to catch him… as he stood falling… Daddy, Daddy, Daddy - what's wrong???

I saw a figure in the darkness walking our way- it was a dream, a bad bad dream – or was it Real ? it was real ….

My brother-in-law walked closer and closer, my vision became blurred and my ears were ringing – it was a mistake – it had to be a mistake… Just help daddy breathe and we will soon learn – this was all a big mistake….

As we slid up the steps to brace ourselves on the warmth of the deck – he was pulling it together… getting stronger… he mumbled those deafening words to me- I can still hear them today… those three little words that changed all of our lives forever…. Ricky IS DEAD….

NO No NOoooooooooo NO I screamed… this IS a mistake… we will all go to see her and when we get there it will all be ok…… he was too young to die, I just talked to him on the phone, he just graduated high school, he wasn't married yet, he is so full of life…. This cannot be true.. C A N N O T BE T R U E.

The sun came up and a new day was born or was it?

a long ride to Whiteville that morning..the first ride I can remember where my parents, my sister and I were together in a car… it was a ride I wish we weren't taking… it was a three and a half hour ride forward while our minds and hearts paddled backwards…

there were cars everywhere, people standing everywhere, teenagers and more teenagers everywhere… WHY did they have so much company??? Why did they have a white flower on their door?

And then I saw her… my eyes connected to hers…. But she wasn't there… she was not there… there was no reflection of a soul in her eyes… just darkness- deep darkness…

she is MY SISTER and I can't do ANYTHING to help her – N O T H I N G!!! I was useless… absolutely useless…

there was food everywhere, people everywhere, laughter, whispers, tears, screams, fear, anger and there was God… God was there… I was mad at God… Sometimes.. I am still mad at God… as I write this I feel anger at God building…..

that sound… that sound that I will never forget- the sound of a mother's soul being amputated right in front of you as you stand uselessly in the way… I thought if I stood still and didn't move she wouldn't see him… she was behind me and if I could just stonewall myself- she will not see him… that scream of pain was ringing into the marrow of my bones, I turn to try to help as she laid fetus position on the floor… daddy right there with her…. This was REAL….

His face was swollen, his neck broken, he was hurt… hurt bad… REAL BAD…. It was real… Ricky was dead….. but… he was only 19…. It was real…. Death does not discriminate…

The girls didn't understand the magnitude of death – they were too young…. He had said to me after daddy left that night- "go back to bed – he is dead- he is gone- there is nothing you can do about it- go back to bed"… visions of the nightmares which had unfolded rolled like a reel to reel movie in my mind all the way home… I knew it was time to say it out loud… the marriage IS over….

In loving memory of:

Richard (Ricky) Donald Bowen

~ deeper undercurrent of thought

forever altered

A daddy's girl – gone for the night - to a pajama party. Little did she know – her life would be forever altered. Cars and people everywhere – who are all of these people, why are they at my house so early on a Saturday morning? questions she asked herself as she arrived home from the pajama party. Little did she know just hours before her life had been forever altered.

She was told daddy is in heaven, mama is in the hospital – the life she had lived the past 12 years… was forever altered. As her young heart unraveled so did her life, her daddy had been killed and her mother was in a coma. It was an accident… a boating accident. She was taken to live with her grandparents who she didn't know that well – the grandmother was dying…

surrounded by death at the age of 12- forever altered.

Confused, angry, sad, broken… she tried to find her place. security- like she had before - there was none to be found.. day after day her mother laid in a comatose state, her daddy was buried, her grandmother laid dying- it was she and her brother left in this world that was forever altered.

The doctors played God – her mother lives today- forever altered - a lobotomy – the front lobe – she would never be more than a 9 year old; learning to walk, talk and function again…. not remembering the accident… not understanding her life – not capable of parenting the two children she had…. State of confusion….. forever altered.

Brother and sister – in a world unknown – grandmother past and mom came to live with she and her brother at the grandfather she barely knew… living forever altered…..

(3 years later)

My girls and I moved to a new house on the lake – we met our new neighbors… by now she was 15, her brother was gone to live with the parents of his father, she became my 3^rd child and our lived have been forever altered.

~ deeper undercurrent of thought

true pain

She has a hollow look about her…. an American Beauty drowning emptiness – her soul has been amputated – she has no purpose- she can't find her way – lost on a highway of grief. An amazing woman, a kind soul, a beautiful spirit that cannot be freed as it has been jailed by true pain. She's my friend and I love her, how can I help her? What do I do? Listening doesn't seem to be enough, it's not enough for me, is this because no matter how much I listen, she is still drowning in her emptiness? She calls me a true angel of mercy? I'm not. I am a compassionate friend. That's it.. nothing more, nothing less. I love her, she amazes me.. such kindness, such beauty, such talent all buried beneath true pain. My heart hurts for her every waking moment. I wish I could open her chest to rub her heart to put her pieces back together again. I can't .. it's impossible – she will be forever broken…. It is painful, it is sad; it makes me ache from the inside out.

He was 16. Her life, her reason for being, her baby boy, her Matt, her lifeline, her only child. Smart and unconditionally loved, handsome with a bright future. What happened? What HAPPENED? He took his own life, he could not have known he was taking her life, he would have never done this, had he known - he was taking her life. Leaving behind this amazing mother, woman, wife, friend to live forever jailed by true pain. She understands he was sick - masked beyond recognition, no clues, there still is no clues, 9 years later – no signs that can be thought of or remembered. He was popular, handsome, excellent grades – no girlfriend problems, nothing – no failing grades – nothing….. There had to be something- he took his life – leaving her to ask, how could I have been a good mother and not known my son was in true pain?

I listen, I cry, I love, I care, I pray but nothing I do releases her jailed spirit. It hurts and it's frustrating – is there more I could be doing? Is being a compassionate friend enough? I try to get her out, she doesn't want to get out, she doesn't want to get dressed most days, she is pushed by him – her husband. Who must be in true pain too – but stays strong for her. Does she share with him the thoughts she shares with me? I question because she only shares with me when he isn't near. Does he know how broken she truly is? He must – he was his life, his baby boy, his only child – but was he his lifeline? It doesn't appear so… from the outside – none of us know what's going on in others from looking in from the outside.

I feel honored she takes her mask off with me and shares her true pain. I feel such an urgency to make her smile, to make her laugh, to repair her broken spirit. Is what I am doing enough? What more could I do? I listen, I cry, I love, I care and I pray….. what more can I do?

Suicide is a result of true pain - an illness…. it's malignant – it spreads true pain to the ones left behind and it eats them away slowly day after day after day leaving a hollow look that only someone who has been jailed by its symptoms can understand.

~ deeper undercurrent of thought