7:09 am sprung forward this morning – positive sides all around – sleepless night- still in my jeans and recliner – eyes wide open – heart racing….
young, scarred, clinging to life, not wanting too, was the man who became my uncle many years ago- masked, sterile, cold, fear, pain - intense pain - smell of alcohol, tubes, bandages, oxygen, tents, weren't the only descriptive of my memory… love, much love, hope, joy, happiness had their place.
it was a house fire that took his wife's life and left him clinging to life and badly burned with no will to live-
the screams were loud enough for the heavens to hear when she saw what was left of her baby after the fire- the screams moved him from within- he found hope- he began to heal- as the seconds turned to minutes and the minutes to hours and hours to days, days to weeks, weeks to months, months to years – he was there- involved in both his and my recovery-
we helped each other heal- she came to visit and to help her sister with the life we found ourselves living- she was young, kind, caring and single-
they fell in love and married…
two beautiful children were born from that marriage- a son and a daughter- many things were altered over the years-
he will always be my uncle charlie and I will always be his buddin'-
he is not married to my mom's sister anymore- and it was very wrong what he did… very wrong- people who live with disfigurements from a trauma related accident are prone to different behavior- it's my job to love and not judge-
i love him- he pushed the wheels off those wheels chairs when i wanted to go buddin'… nothing will take that away-
46 years later- life is good, the son has a son (yelp- uncle charlie has a grandson) – he is 17 – full of life, best friends with his dad, chuck – excelling in life, school, sports- what a young man he has become- the phone rang, she was very rattled- WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE CANNOT TALK?
the brain will not wrap around what she is saying- how do you suddenly lose the ability to speak? is that possibly and if so how, why???? "A L S" – rang in my ears as though my head were inside the liberty bell as it was struck. Lou Gehrig's Disease – WHAT????
the ringing began to subside around midnight thirty last night – overwhelmed is the only word one could put on this- in processing all that the mind is holding the last 7 hours- OVERWHELMED is my label.
i've lost friends and family near and dear- death is a part of life- God has blessed me to date- from all the great loss in this life- i've never watched anyone suffer- God has been merciful in taking them fast-
Her life was altered for 10 years- she wasn't the same- mid-brain stroke they labeled it- she needed 24/7 care- but painfully suffering wasn't the case- from what I've studied ALS is an entrapment of oneself inside a useless body- suffering is the label I give it-
Racing heart- tear-filled eyes – struggling here at 7:51 a.m. in my jeans and recliner.
Please pray for my cousin – Chuck Carter.
masked, sterile, cold, fear, pain - intense pain - smell of alcohol, tubes, bandages, oxygen, tents, blurs and more blurs descriptive of my memory - that's what I thought….
what do I remember? anything - nothing? both - could it be both? long time ago - I was young --- too young to understand those descriptions but not too young to feel pain intense pain….
why did everyone have the mask on their face? why were they all hovering over me looking down - watching me… why were there so many of them- they were all so big- giants – yelp they were giants… they were all wearing green… ugly green…. - it's ugly to me or it was then.. surgical green - that's it… surgical, clinical, medical, hospital, physician green….. UGLY PAINFUL GREEN…
accidents happen fast, they do not discriminate, they have no limits, no boundaries - any age goes - no race no religion discrimination
NO BOUNDARIES…………….
chilly,windy, fall was in the air – sky was blue, leaves were bright……
a helper… yelp a helper – i've always been a helper or at least I thought I was….
a climber- I was a climber loved to climb.... climbed that chilly, windy, fall, blue sky day… climb up to the sink and kick started that gas stove…..
18 months old into everything- a helper - a climber
the door opened, the wind blew in, the flames grew and grew……
it was the first day of the rest of my life……
call it a struggle, a fight, an accident
it WAS and IS …….
– God's Will….
i was and am the chosen one…. i was chosen for this journey –
49 years later - I understand - I am the chosen one for this journey
I wouldn't change it- even if I could.
In honor of my wonderful loving parents ~ Billy and Pauline Dill
racing – is the feeling I feel in from the chest to the throat to the finger tips…. rapidness… racing rapidness… there was a time in the not so distant past that I would label this as a panic attack… this label is easier for me to talk about – for me to "fix"…. easier than attempting to label and address this rapid racing of heart beat and pulse…. I feel as though my chest could implode. Would I care less for others in order not to feel this near implosion? NO….. it's not in my DNA… I am a compassionate woman, person, mother, friend, human being. It is who I am…
it was clear I drifted deep to sleep – too deep… there were 5 missed calls from her… between 3:00 am and 4:30 am…. this rapid racing took over the controls and was driving me to whirlwind when I couldn't get her to answer…. what had happened that she needed me so desperately while I drifted – was she safe? Was SHE SAFE??? I need to know… but I can't find out..anything… no one is awake but me in my world right now… how could I drift so deep and so far that when my child needed me I wasn't there… the rapid racing got stronger and stronger as it does now…. that's when I read….. "RIP Terry" I love you – it was everywhere… and everywhere it was - had a common connection to me… they were all friends of hers - theirs …. But she… was sleeping and had not contacted me yet… only one daughter must know about Terry… and Terry who - I panicked…. I began texting and calling them both… with no success… an hour went by and her sister answered…. What's wrong mom? I asked… do you know – a Terry that could have passed away last night…… as she hesitated – she was reading multiple text messages that were stored on her cell…. As she began sobbing and saying no mom, no…. not Terry – this makes no sense… no sense mom – none… No MOM… NO… Her breathing became much labored- her voice began to crack… she was falling apart- a little with each breath… I have to call Elaina - MOM… I will call you back….
time seemed to stand still….
there was a faint sound of pain on the other end of the line… MOM… he – he- Terry – Mom – Terry killed himself last night… MOM – NOOOOOOOOoooooooo…. Mom – this makes no sense, mom it makes no sense… MOM- NO!!! - she screamed and I began to cry with her and tell her how very much I loved her…. It's a lot for anyone to wrap their mind around…. As time stood still yet the clock was moving, her sister woke and her breathing was labored – the same… the same labored breathing, voice cracking pain…. as the pain gushed from her soul like blood from a fresh lesion. Mom- I was so alone when I was told Terry ended this painful life he has been living – I tried and tried to get you but I couldn't get you - mom… I don't understand - mom… I just don't understand… I was his friend…he could have talked to me… he could have talked to me mom.. I would have helped him - mom….. MOM…. I AM SO DAMN ANGRY!! Oh MY GOD MOM….. OMG!
This was a day no one can or would attempt to prepare for… a day you may have to help your children through the suicide of a friend.. the unthinkable….
Terry was a young boy when his mother was murdered….he was a sweet boy that we watched mental cancer slowly take over his soul….
Life went on… his dad went to prison… school days passed us by, graduation, life… life went on… we didn't stop loving Terry, we didn't stop caring about Terry…. Life went on…. While busy with college, work, and everyday life we don't always reach out to those we seem to love and care about… I don't think I would label it as taking for them granted… so much as…. Just going and growing in different directions…. Thinking and feeling the roots planted way back then were still intact….
Terry's mental cancer took his life.. his pain became more than he could bare… only God knows what was in his heart and mind… God is protecting him now… I said to them as I held them close to my heart… Confused with many mixed emotions they listened and you could see them trying to wrap their minds around it all…
anger was widespread … and that's when i realized….
It was 1982 - I think…when I got that phone call…. the call that none of us can or would attempt to prepare for…. The call that gives you labored breathing and rapidness in the throat and chest…. He was on the phone with a girl…. and BOOM…. the gun went off and he was dead they were saying these things to me as I felt I was in a tunnel underground… the sound was muffled… my ears were ringing and my eyes were stinging…. I didn't have anyone to talk too – that had dealt with this before…. Anger consumed me… I refused to show him respect… he didn't show me any… he didn't care how much this was going to hurt me…. he was selfish and I was angry… the funeral came and went… as I sat at home selfishly filled with anger …. Life went on… day after day… anger was my source of energy that got me through his untimely death….
Until……. that very call came in again…. This time it was another friend…. Keith – Keith Lovelace had killed himself… It was different… my breathing wasn't labored, my voice didn't crack, my chest didn't race… my ears weren't ringing, my eyes weren't stinging… It was clear…very clear to me that day…. How wrong I was- how selfish I had been… it was clear to me that day…. This was an illness…. It was an illness that killed my friends – not a selfish act… time went on.. the clock was ticking but my life stood still… how could I have disrespected the death of my sick friend…. How could I have been so selfish to think he did this to me? what was I going to do with all that I had inside me …where was I going to channel these feelings…. HOW, WHY and
IF became my vocabulary for a long time…. I beat myself up…. I spend many hours by his grave talking to him about my selfish act. He forgave me, God forgave me and eventually I forgave myself….
finally it is all clear…. for all I have been through in this journey we call life- has given me the experience I need as a mother to nurture my girls through this devastating time in their lives…. I sat them down and shared my story of how anger took control of my life… and what it took to open my eyes to how wrong I was in allowing this to happen… I shared with them how I lost two friends to suicide before I allowed my heart to wrap around the pain that some feel is unthinkable, unbearable and only known and understood by our Savior Jesus Christ. It took me losing both friends to understand that sometimes "life may be Greener on the other side of pain "– for my dear friend "Mike Greene" and living with that thought in heart helped me in the acceptance of Mike's death….
Let go of your anger - love, grief and be compassionate and give your questions to God… he will answer them one day…. I said to my girls...
This day… I understood why I walked through the valley of anger and loss and unthinkable guilt… Because this day… all I've experienced helped my girls through this unthinkable death of Terry ……they realize….
-life may be "Greener" on the other side of pain for some.
In loving memory of :
Mike Greene; Keith Lovelace; Terry Garner
Some people hold on to life until they are ready to leave, most of them are waiting on someone to visit them before they surrender.. these are the words that started the phone call – she made to me… I didn't have a comment to her boldness…. I knew what was coming next… as they had called every other day- saying…this is it… the doctors said - this is it… she is dying… you need to come… I COULD NOT GO!!! I HATE nursing homes… it's death row for the elderly. She knows I love her… I will not tell her goodbye… I will not!!!
God told her last night that grandmother is waiting to see me… for a visit from me…before she turns loose of her earthly self and joins the Jesus she has spoken about her entire life…. God told her last night…. That Grandmother is holding on for me….. WELL - could you tell God I am pretty upset with him right now and I am not going to see her…. I said to my sister……. As she hung up she prayed over this and talked some more to God….. the sun rose…. It was father's day…. My father was with his mother, at the nursing home…. Standing over her as she barely hung onto life…… I raced around to dress the babies and packed them in their car seats and up the highway I went… to see my grandmother… to prove that she was not waiting on ME… before she died…
the smell makes me nauseated - the sadness is overwhelming… people line the hallways in their wheelchairs just begging for a visitor… the forgotten elderly…. Some with their baby dolls in hand, while others lay as if they are in a vegetated state… sadness….everywhere… and the stench was more than I could handle… I walked fast and furiously down the hall way with one child on my hip and the tiny hand of the other held tightly as though something was going to hurt them… It was my own fear that was dangerous… nothing more… my own fears…
standing there was my daddy saturated in sadness… as I made it past daddy and into the doorway – she laid there – unlike I had ever seen her before - no makeup, no Sunday clothes, no hairdo…. just a soul trapped in its earthly body…READY to escape….
MA MA I said… it's me… I have come to visit you….. for the first time in months she tried to speak…she tried to say my name but was too weak … as her head fell firmly back against the pillow.
Go visit with grandpa…. Get out of here for a while… I said to my parents …..Just leave… I will stay with her today… they left…taking my girls with them… leaving me alone with grandmother…..as I stroked her hands, her face, her hair and talked to her… my past was flashing before my eyes… as a panic attack was about to take control of me….. when suddenly a great calmness overcame me… a calmness that I had only felt one time in my life….. -
………………………..there was a twinkle in her eye that only a granddaughter would understand …..the connection between a grandmother and a grandchild- a bond so strong that even death cannot separate. I could see that twinkle 100 miles away…. it was rooted into my soul.. as it lives here today- planted – like a seed…. to forever give life to the relationship that was formed some 50 years ago. she was always doing something creative… the ivory soap bibles, the Clorox bottle pigs, the baking of marbles for her very own custom jewelry line, crocheting afghans… always something - creative beyond belief- laced with love and packaged with that twinkle.
many nights she lived alone, just like i… it was her love and faith in God that kept her strong……never showing one minute of loneliness or insecurity…. always as strong as that twinkle in her eye…. always embracing her leather bound bible, reading and praying and having faith……so proud to share just how much she loves Jesus…. and how one sweet day she was going to be with Jesus, never afraid – no fear of dying at all… she knew where she was going – to be with Jesus – sweet, sweet Jesus.
so many opportunities I allowed to pass me by… to visit with her as I will forever regret….. time goes by fast with small ones in diapers and everyday life… there was always some excuse… some excuse not to visit with this amazing gift in my life. I sometimes wonder if that felt ok because I could see that twinkle no matter how many excuses I had? was I that naive to believe it wasn't going to make a difference or was I just that insane…that I took it all for granted as though she would never slip away… did I really think she would live forever? So many deep thoughts I was having while standing by her and stroking her hair…..
Lost in deep thought…. I felt her leave…. It was so calming, so heaven like…. the spirit was in the room… and she joined grandmother's spirit and they left… JUST LIKE THAT…. I thought for a moment – and then I walked to the nurses' station and calmly requested they come check… check to see if my grandmother was alive…. They raced into the room… and began pressing her nail beds….. WHERE IS YOUR FATHER – the nurse screeched at me…. calmly I asked why? SHE IS DYING NOW…. came a cry from the nurse…. CALL YOUR FATHER, GET HIM BACK HERE….
Yes… please give mom and dad the message when they get there…. Please tell them to come back to the nursing home…. I said to my mom's sister when she answered my grandfather's phone. As I walked back into that room… her body was pale, slightly breathing…but I knew she – my grandmother- was gone… she was on her way to meet Jesus…. and she was happy… just like she had been her entire life…. I knew then YES my grandmother waited on me to die and that she will truly LIVE FOREVER….
In loving memory of
My beautiful grandmother
Mary Dill-Mullinax
On one hand it seems like forever ago…while on the other – it's just like yesterday – the marriage was over – I just couldn't say it out loud… he slept in one end of the house, me in the other-
The headlights were so bright, the knock on the door was deafening… I stumbled to the door, peeked through the peek hole and there he was shaking in shock. I raced to open the door just in time to catch him… as he stood falling… Daddy, Daddy, Daddy - what's wrong???
I saw a figure in the darkness walking our way- it was a dream, a bad bad dream – or was it Real ? it was real ….
My brother-in-law walked closer and closer, my vision became blurred and my ears were ringing – it was a mistake – it had to be a mistake… Just help daddy breathe and we will soon learn – this was all a big mistake….
As we slid up the steps to brace ourselves on the warmth of the deck – he was pulling it together… getting stronger… he mumbled those deafening words to me- I can still hear them today… those three little words that changed all of our lives forever…. Ricky IS DEAD….
NO No NOoooooooooo NO I screamed… this IS a mistake… we will all go to see her and when we get there it will all be ok…… he was too young to die, I just talked to him on the phone, he just graduated high school, he wasn't married yet, he is so full of life…. This cannot be true.. C A N N O T BE T R U E.
The sun came up and a new day was born or was it?
a long ride to Whiteville that morning..the first ride I can remember where my parents, my sister and I were together in a car… it was a ride I wish we weren't taking… it was a three and a half hour ride forward while our minds and hearts paddled backwards…
there were cars everywhere, people standing everywhere, teenagers and more teenagers everywhere… WHY did they have so much company??? Why did they have a white flower on their door?
And then I saw her… my eyes connected to hers…. But she wasn't there… she was not there… there was no reflection of a soul in her eyes… just darkness- deep darkness…
she is MY SISTER and I can't do ANYTHING to help her – N O T H I N G!!! I was useless… absolutely useless…
there was food everywhere, people everywhere, laughter, whispers, tears, screams, fear, anger and there was God… God was there… I was mad at God… Sometimes.. I am still mad at God… as I write this I feel anger at God building…..
that sound… that sound that I will never forget- the sound of a mother's soul being amputated right in front of you as you stand uselessly in the way… I thought if I stood still and didn't move she wouldn't see him… she was behind me and if I could just stonewall myself- she will not see him… that scream of pain was ringing into the marrow of my bones, I turn to try to help as she laid fetus position on the floor… daddy right there with her…. This was REAL….
His face was swollen, his neck broken, he was hurt… hurt bad… REAL BAD…. It was real… Ricky was dead….. but… he was only 19…. It was real…. Death does not discriminate…
The girls didn't understand the magnitude of death – they were too young…. He had said to me after daddy left that night- "go back to bed – he is dead- he is gone- there is nothing you can do about it- go back to bed"… visions of the nightmares which had unfolded rolled like a reel to reel movie in my mind all the way home… I knew it was time to say it out loud… the marriage IS over….
In loving memory of:
Richard (Ricky) Donald Bowen
~ deeper undercurrent of thought
A daddy's girl – gone for the night - to a pajama party. Little did she know – her life would be forever altered. Cars and people everywhere – who are all of these people, why are they at my house so early on a Saturday morning? questions she asked herself as she arrived home from the pajama party. Little did she know just hours before her life had been forever altered.
She was told daddy is in heaven, mama is in the hospital – the life she had lived the past 12 years… was forever altered. As her young heart unraveled so did her life, her daddy had been killed and her mother was in a coma. It was an accident… a boating accident. She was taken to live with her grandparents who she didn't know that well – the grandmother was dying…
surrounded by death at the age of 12- forever altered.
Confused, angry, sad, broken… she tried to find her place. security- like she had before - there was none to be found.. day after day her mother laid in a comatose state, her daddy was buried, her grandmother laid dying- it was she and her brother left in this world that was forever altered.
The doctors played God – her mother lives today- forever altered - a lobotomy – the front lobe – she would never be more than a 9 year old; learning to walk, talk and function again…. not remembering the accident… not understanding her life – not capable of parenting the two children she had…. State of confusion….. forever altered.
Brother and sister – in a world unknown – grandmother past and mom came to live with she and her brother at the grandfather she barely knew… living forever altered…..
(3 years later)
My girls and I moved to a new house on the lake – we met our new neighbors… by now she was 15, her brother was gone to live with the parents of his father, she became my 3rd child and our lived have been forever altered.
~ deeper undercurrent of thought
She has a hollow look about her…. an American Beauty drowning emptiness – her soul has been amputated – she has no purpose- she can't find her way – lost on a highway of grief. An amazing woman, a kind soul, a beautiful spirit that cannot be freed as it has been jailed by true pain. She's my friend and I love her, how can I help her? What do I do? Listening doesn't seem to be enough, it's not enough for me, is this because no matter how much I listen, she is still drowning in her emptiness? She calls me a true angel of mercy? I'm not. I am a compassionate friend. That's it.. nothing more, nothing less. I love her, she amazes me.. such kindness, such beauty, such talent all buried beneath true pain. My heart hurts for her every waking moment. I wish I could open her chest to rub her heart to put her pieces back together again. I can't .. it's impossible – she will be forever broken…. It is painful, it is sad; it makes me ache from the inside out.
He was 16. Her life, her reason for being, her baby boy, her Matt, her lifeline, her only child. Smart and unconditionally loved, handsome with a bright future. What happened? What HAPPENED? He took his own life, he could not have known he was taking her life, he would have never done this, had he known - he was taking her life. Leaving behind this amazing mother, woman, wife, friend to live forever jailed by true pain. She understands he was sick - masked beyond recognition, no clues, there still is no clues, 9 years later – no signs that can be thought of or remembered. He was popular, handsome, excellent grades – no girlfriend problems, nothing – no failing grades – nothing….. There had to be something- he took his life – leaving her to ask, how could I have been a good mother and not known my son was in true pain?
I listen, I cry, I love, I care, I pray but nothing I do releases her jailed spirit. It hurts and it's frustrating – is there more I could be doing? Is being a compassionate friend enough? I try to get her out, she doesn't want to get out, she doesn't want to get dressed most days, she is pushed by him – her husband. Who must be in true pain too – but stays strong for her. Does she share with him the thoughts she shares with me? I question because she only shares with me when he isn't near. Does he know how broken she truly is? He must – he was his life, his baby boy, his only child – but was he his lifeline? It doesn't appear so… from the outside – none of us know what's going on in others from looking in from the outside.
I feel honored she takes her mask off with me and shares her true pain. I feel such an urgency to make her smile, to make her laugh, to repair her broken spirit. Is what I am doing enough? What more could I do? I listen, I cry, I love, I care and I pray….. what more can I do?
Suicide is a result of true pain - an illness…. it's malignant – it spreads true pain to the ones left behind and it eats them away slowly day after day after day leaving a hollow look that only someone who has been jailed by its symptoms can understand.
~ deeper undercurrent of thought
